Insurance Salesman

A man walks into an insurance office who specialise in? home insurance and life insurance and asks for a job.

“Sorry, we don’t need anyone…” they replied.

“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!”

“Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.”

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

“How in the world did you do that?” they asked.

“I told you I’m the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!”

“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Jone’s and this one is Mrs. Johnson’s.”

“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”

“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention –

so I stopped and sold them a group policy!”

If men got pregnant ..

If men got Pregnant

  • Maternity leave would last two years… with full pay.
  • There would be a cure for stretch marks.
  • Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
  • Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
  • All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
  • Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
  • Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
  • They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
  • Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
  • Briefcases would be used as changing bags.
  • Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes. (just like maternity clothes)
  • They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
  • Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main courses.
  • Women would rule the world.
  • All babies would be fast asleep no matter what – in time for kick off on Sky Sports

Accountant Joke

You might be an Accountant if…

  • you refer to your child as Deduction 214.
  • you deduct Exlax as “Moving expenses”.
  • you have no idea that GAP is also a renaissance clothing store.
  • at the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.
  • getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.
  • your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
  • you are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year.
  • you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline “======”.

A matter of sums

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: “Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel (I hate cheap hotels) with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary.”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: “Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”