Tag: joke

The Crystal Ball

The Acme Company was trying to sell its new computerized crystal ball to a major marketing executive, one who had just finished a pretty successful mover NYC campaign and was looking for a new products to sell. As expected, the executive was quite skeptical.

The Acme sales rep told the executive, ‘Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball.’

The executive typed, ‘Where is my father?’ The crystal ball bleeped and blooped for a short while, and then came back with ‘Your father is fishing in Michigan.’

The executive said to the sales rep, ‘You see? I knew this was BS. My father’s been dead for twenty years.’

‘Hmmmm. Try asking the question in a different way.’

This time the executive typed, ‘Where is my mother’s husband?’

The crystal ball came back with an answer, even more quickly this time than before. ‘Your mother’s husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.’

Need some Mustang parts?

I’ve just finished speaking to a friend of mine online who spends his time working in a large warehouse sorting through Mustang accessories. He reminded me of this joke:

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his Mustang stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.

A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, “Looks like a bad carburettor to me.” Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.

Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. “Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?” he asked.

The farmer replied, “The brown and white one? Yep, that’s old Bessie.”

The man then said, “Well my car’s broken down, and she just said, ‘Looks like a bad carburettor to me.’

The farmer shook his head and said, “Don’t mind old Bessie, son. She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”

My mate did say that they go through a lot of Mustang carburettors, so I wonder if there’s some naughty cow somewhere responsible for all the sales?

50 ways to mess with people in a computer lab

  1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
  2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
  3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
  4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
  5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it’s set up with.
  6. Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
  7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
  8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
  9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
  10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
  11. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
  12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
  13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
  14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting and chant songs about IT Process Automation.
  15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say “Oops, I forgot.”
  16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
  17. “DISK FIGHT!!!”
  18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
  19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
  20. If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.
  21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
  22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
  23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
  24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
  25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
  26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
  27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
  28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
  29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
  30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
  31. Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!” and continue working.
  32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
  33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, humits note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
  34. Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.
  35. Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
  36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
  37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
  38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
  39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: “Does *your* delete key work?” Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and leave.
  40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
  41. Stare at the person’s next to your’s screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
  42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell “COVEEEEERRRRRR!” peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. “Oh, good. It worked this time,” and calmly start to type again.
  43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
  44. See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you’ve known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you’re a total stranger.
  45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.
  46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.
  47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
  48. Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.
  49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say “Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week”.
  50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

Funny Insurance Claims

Here are a selection of strange but true stories from people filling in their insurance claims. Some were from people who bought car insurance online and others were from paper forms.

  • To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.
  • If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
  • She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.
  • Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
  • Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.
  • There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
  • A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.

A husband with a computer addiction

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this email communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn’t mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I’m sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn’t be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George–err–Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your laptop computer is booting.

Love,
Your Wife

Any good at chess?

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen, do you give him pet supplements or any special training?”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

A teenager is …

A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver’s license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study, things like music, the best acne cure, and why he shouldn’t have to mow the lawn.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

At the gym

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1
They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the ellipticals. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great

Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.

Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6
Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7
Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist’s.

What is an appraiser?

An appraiser is one who compiles and analyzes voluminous data of problematical accuracy from sources of dubious veracity and derives therefrom a numerical quantification of unquestionable necessity, analogous to a nebulous and euphemistic concept representational of value commensurate with ambient configurations of the open market and promulgates thereby a precise written declamation which delineates his observation, deliberations and conclusions all done while he feigns absolute ignorance of the avaricious machinations of Buyers, Sellers, Brokers and Lenders, compensated only by that penurious stipend known as the professional fee.

Top 10 Reason to Become An Appraiser

10. Dazzle your friends with your knowledge of external obsolescence.
9. The wonderful world of rats, bats, and spiders.
8. Be a part of the profession blamed for the collapse of the savings and loan industry.
7. See places in people’s houses that usually require a search warrant to access (even if they’re Outer Banks rentals).
6. Arouse the suspicion of an entire neighborhood when inspecting comparable sales.
5. Chance to really irritate annoying real estate salespeople.
4. Walk around holding a clipboard just like “Skip” down at the Jiffy Lube.
3. Spend hours writing volumes of supporting documentation to justify the market value of a property you already decided on when you pulled into the driveway.
2. See that some people really do hang those black velveteen pictures of Elvis on their living room walls and who forks out for business satellite internet.
1. Be one of a handful of people who know that USPAP is not a medical term.

Standing in line

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell you are doing?”

“Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor with a certificate from one of those massage therapy schools you hear about and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”