Tag: joke

Blond TV

A blond walked into a store one day looking for a television. She finds the one that she was looking for on a shelf next to a tv stand, so she picks it up and takes it up to the front to pay for it.

The guy working at the cash register looks at her and says “Sorry ma’am, but we don’t sell anything to blonds.” Frustrated, the blond sets the TV down and storms out. She gets an idea, and goes out and buys a brunette wig. The next day, she walks in, grabs the same TV set and takes it up to the cash register. The guy says, “Like I told you yesterday, ma’am, we don’t sell anything to blonds.”

She angrily sets the TV down and storms out. The next day, she walks in with a redhead wig and takes the television up to pay for it. The guy looks at her and says “For the last time, we don’t sell our merchandise to blonds.”

Aggravated, the blond shouts “Well, damnit, why not?” The guy stares at her and replies “Let me put it to you this way,” he points to the TV, “that’s a microwave.”

The Department Store

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and tries to get the attention of a clerk who was sorting out moth traps. Heasks, “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s question?”

The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beaten up?!!”

Learning maths

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail.

Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card — unopened — laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red ‘A’ under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

‘Was it the nuns that did it?’, the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, ‘No.’

‘Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?’

‘No.’

‘The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?’

‘Nope,’ said the son. ‘On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the ‘plus sign,’ I just knew they meant business!’

Celery

Snijselderij Apium graveolens.

After my husband asked me to help him shed some unwanted pounds, I stopped serving fattening TV snacks and substituted crisp celery. He had tried all the usual diets and even tried Lipovox, but really needed some help.

While he was unenthusiastically munching on a stalk one night, a commercial caught his attention. As he watched longingly, a woman spread gooey chocolate frosting over a freshly baked cake.

When it was over, my husband turned to me. “Did you ever notice,” he asked, “that they never advertise celery on TV?”

World’s fastest car

One day, an extremely rich business man decides that the time has come to indulge himself. He has been working hard and making money all his life, and he rarely spends any of it on himself. So he goes out and buys the world’s fastest commercial vehicle: the all-custom 2001 Chevrolet Zoom. This puppy can hit 350 mph on a straightaway and has all the trimmings. Leather, CD, Sunroof, teryx exhaust, GPS, everything. It cost him a cool million.

He decides to take it for an afternoon spin. He’s just cruising around town with one arm out the window, having the time of his life, when he gets to a red light. He pulls up next to an old guy on a little moped who is already waiting at the light.

“Now THAT’S a car,” the old guy says with awe. “What on earth did that cost you?”

“Three million,” the rich guy proclaimed. “And that was a steal. This here is the world’s fastest commercial vehicle.”

“You’re kidding!” the old guy scoffed. “How fast?”

“350.”

The old guy’s jaw dropped. “Hey, do you mind if I take a look around inside real quick?”

“Not at all,” the rich guy said.

The old guy leans way over and sticks his head in the window. After looking around for a few seconds, he sits back down on his moped. “That’s a fine car,” he said, nodding his head.

Just then, the stoplight turned to green, and the rich guy decided to show this old man what his car is really capable of. He floors it out of the intersection, and in a few seconds he is happily cruising along at 350 mph.

He happens to glance in his rearview mirror, and notices to his dismay a speck on the horizon that seems to be getting closer. Sure enough, the speck comes closer and closer until WHOOSH! it passes him. The rich guy just can’t figure out what’s going on here, so he pulls over. He sees the speck again on the horizon in front of him coming back towards him, and sure enough, WHOOSH! it passes him again. This time, though, he was prepared and got a better look at it. He could have sworn that he saw the old guy on the moped. “But that’s impossible,” he thought to himself.

Once again, the thing was coming back at the rear of his car, only this time it looked like it was going to hit. And hit it did. There was a loud crash as the thing slammed into the back of the Chevy Zoom.

The rich guy jumps out of the car and runs around to the back, where the old guy is dying on the road, pieces of his moped scattered around him.

“Oh, my God!” the rich guy said, horrified. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes,” the old man responded feebly. “Before I die, I want you to unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

Some quotes

Here are some quotes I came across in my surf around the Web

  • Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.
  • Procrastination means never having to say you’re sorry.
  • Being politically correct means always having to say you’re sorry.
  • On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.
  • Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it’s gone.
  • Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?
  • Trust in God, but lock your car.
  • Given a conflict, Murphy’s law supercedes Newton’s.
  • There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosive
  • I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  • I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.
  • I took some baby shower gifts once. It left my skin baby soft.
  • A peanut saved is a peanut earned. A peanut shaved is a sterile man.
  • “Never eat more than you can lift!” — Miss Piggy

Some good ones eh?

Comrade Rudolph knows best

English Embankment in Saint Petersburg.
Image via Wikipedia

A Russian couple were walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. ‘I think it’s raining,’ he said to his wife.

‘No, that felt more like snow to me,’ she replied.

‘No, I’m sure it was just rain’ he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have an almighty argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist party official walking toward them. ‘Let’s not fight about it,’ the man said, ‘let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.’

As the official approached, the man said, ‘Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?’

‘It’s raining, of course,’ he answered and walked on.

But the woman insisted: ‘I know that felt like snow!’

To which the man quietly replied: ‘Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!’

Double positives

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. It’s a 2-factor case that is not always true however.”

“In some languages, “, he continued,”, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, ‘Yeah, right.’

Watching the boats go by

This technician’s company uses satellite communications …

… to send and receive messages from tugboats moving barges up and down major rivers. Each day, by 2 p.m., the tugboats send data on the day’s activities to the company’s traffic department.

At least that’s how it’s supposed to work.

“I got a call from our traffic department saying they only got data from about half the boats, and would I check on it?” technician says.

He calls the satellite communications company, but the technician there says there’s no problem on his end.

Meanwhile, the traffic department calls again — they’re still not getting messages from the missing boats.

“So I called the boats and got them to re-send the messages, and they came through,” says our tech. “The problem apparently cleared itself up.”

But he isn’t quite satisfied. “I called the satellite company back to see what happened, and what we could do if the problem recurred.”

Satellite company’s technician doesn’t know what happened and doesn’t have any way of finding out. “In order to track the messages, we would need an identification number from the message,” he tells our tech.

We could find out those numbers eventually, he figures.

“Also, the identification numbers are recycled every half hour,” tech continues.

“So I need to get you the identification number within that time?” he asks.

“Right”, says the satellite tech.

“So to summarize,” says our tech glumly, “we need to give you the identification numbers of the messages we haven’t received, within half an hour of not receiving them?”

Crazy!

As useful as a COBOL programmer

Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers, PC repair technicians and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He’d become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he’d wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting “I can’t believe it!” and “It’s a miracle” and “He’s alive!”. There were cameras (unlike any he’d ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn’t contain his enthusiasm. “Is it over?” he asked. “Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?”

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack’s cryogenic receptacle, it hadn’t been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

“That sounds terrific,” said Jack. “But I’m curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?”

“Well,” said the spokesman. “The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL”.