As useful as a COBOL programmer

Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers, PC repair technicians and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He’d become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he’d wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting “I can’t believe it!” and “It’s a miracle” and “He’s alive!”. There were cameras (unlike any he’d ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn’t contain his enthusiasm. “Is it over?” he asked. “Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?”

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack’s cryogenic receptacle, it hadn’t been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

“That sounds terrific,” said Jack. “But I’m curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?”

“Well,” said the spokesman. “The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL”.

17 thoughts on “As useful as a COBOL programmer”

  1. That one made me laugh hard 🙂

    yeah, but it’s going to be precisely like that. Even 8000 years from now, there will be some software that runs on cobol, assembly, python, java, C++, TCL etc.

  2. Now there’s a fate worse than hell. And I’ve actually written a COBOL program, although I don’t normally admit it.


  3. That is freaking awesome! Good please COBOL. I learned programming from my moms college books which were from the 80s, and COBOL was among the topics that were learned from them.

  4. Allot of Y2K COBOL used a Windowing Technique. E.G. If century =< 20 then century = 19 else century = 20.
    For the C and Windoze people: if 2020 < 10000 the problem comes around much sooner than you think.

    I converted one EFT program for Y2K like this because all banks use a MMDDYY EFT file format. When I asked some government dude when they were going to change the date format, the answer was never.

    Dream on Little Broom Stick Cowboys

  5. great, after a few thousands years of a nap he’s more than ready to cope with COBOL again… 🙂

  6. There is a real, deep knowledge about human nature, buried in this story: we keep reiterating our mistakes, even when we had fallen on our collective faces a few times before – exactly because of those mistakes 😀

    So I guess I should go and blow the dust off my Cobol, Fortran and JCL skills…

  7. Ha Ha ha…thats a cool one. Even after so many days there will be cobol and there will be cobol developers 😛

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