Portable Oxygen Concentrator

Here’s why you should always carry a portable oxygen concentrator around with you:

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet”.

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my testicles black?” Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his privae bits in her hands and takes a closer look, and says “There is nothing wrong with them!”

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, “That was very nice but, are… my… test… results… back?

Am I covered ?

Sarah and Issy are out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of life insurance (his) – an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.

“Issy,” she says, with tears in her eyes, “I don’t think you love me.”

“Why do you think that?” he asks.

“Because if you really love me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for.”

“Sarah,” he says angrily, “I need family life insurance like I need a hole in the head.”

“I know your views,” says Sarah, “but I’ve spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance – and they’re not as rich as you. If it’s good enough for them, why isn’t it good enough for you?”

“I’ll tell you why,” replies Issy, “it’s because they’ve been paying high premiums month after month and what have they got so far in return? Nothing, gornisht.”

“So what if their husbands have been paying for nothing?” says Sarah, “You’ve always told me I’m luckier than my friends – who knows, maybe this time I’ll strike it rich.”

Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers

  1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
  2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
  3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
  4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
  5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
  6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
  7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
  8. If you have travel insurance your bags will arrive safely.
  9. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
  10. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
  11. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Bodybuilding Jokes

The Edge
How do Columbians develop muscle? By pushing drugs.

Gym Robbery
Gold’s Gym was robbed last week, that’s the last time they recommend free weights.

Rumble in the jungle
Why did the stupid Bodybuilder train at the zoo?
He wanted to get ripped to shreds.

Acne
What do you call a Bodybuilder with major acne?
Flecks Wheeler.

Newspaper Headline
ZOMBIE BODYBUILDER DOES THE DEADLIFT.

Libido
Randy bodybuilders do reps in the morning and company reps in the evening.

Lat Pulldown
Who invented the lat pulldown? An unknown Latvian.

The Fight
Two Bodybuilders were having a fight in the street after one stole the other’s prohormones. One of them tore off a car exhaust pipe and tried to ram it down the throat of the other builder “This is what I call the the pre-exhaust principle.

Tenancy
Why wasn’t the bodybuilder evicted? Because he was squatting.

Interview
A Bodybuilder said to a reporter,”Would you like to see my traps?” And the reporter said”yes”. So he took him down to his cellar and pushed him down a trapdoor.

A screw for a hinge?

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary, to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom Hansgrohe faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked, “How much for that faucet?”

Walt replied, “That’s pewter and it costs $300.”

“My goodness that sure is a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?”

“No, but I will for the faucet.”

.. and this is why you can’t send a woman to Home Depot.

Stitchers and the light bulb

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but it takes her several hours because she keeps wanting to do “just one more.”

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to get a 250-watt replacement bulb because the area could use more light, and one to replace the existing fixture with a directional one.

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two, so they can discuss which color bulb would look better against the ceiling.

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to change the light bulb, and four to form a round-robin because the cover is too plain and would look great with a stitched design on it.

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. He was using his Dazor magnifier lamp and didn’t even notice that the bulb in the ceiling had burned out.

Why you shouldn’t kick …

Hearing a commotion outside, a farmer’s wife pulls up her kitchen roller shades, looks out through her window and sees her son coming home from school. The boy’s in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow.

Once inside, his mother says, “I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig you’ll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week.”

Just at that moment, the boy’s father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room. The boy looks at his mother and says, “Do you wanna tell him, or should I ?”

Why … oh why?

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic’?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?!

New MP3 player

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.