Just found this on Classic Funny Quotes
Guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and says hello.
He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from, so he says “do you know me?”
To which she replies “I think your the father of one of my kids.”
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my a$$ with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?”.
She says “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. “T-Square, do your stuff.”
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better and said: “Slide Rule, do your stuff.”
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was
The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said: “Measure, do your stuff.”
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The Government Worker called to his dog and said: “Coffee Break, do your stuff!”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers’ Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.
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|Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, ‘DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!’ posted on the glass door. |
Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the store’s owner, ‘Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?’
‘Yep,’ the proprietor answered. ‘That’s him.’
The stranger couldn’t help being amused. ‘That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me,’ he chuckled. ‘Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?’
‘Because,’ the owner replied. ‘Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.’
If Hollywood has taught us anything about house buying in creepy films you should check:
- The house was not built on ancient Indian? burial ground
- No one died in the bath
- If its a mansion and its been sold at a fraction of its real value, its probably haunted
- The house was not built on the ground of? an ancient orphanage. According to Hollywood bad things usually happen here and there will be ghosts
- The house was not built on the grounds of an old hospital, ghosts of dead patients.
- Find out if the previous occupants are still alive
- Find out if the previous occupants had a tendency to go crazy with chainsaws
- Check the basement for a doomsday door or well with a crazy creature inside it.
- Check if anyone of the previous occupants were burnt alive for witchcraft. She/He will probably haunt you.
- If your dog, cat, mouse or what ever creature you have acts strange in the house or barks/squeaks at thin air don’t buy it, its probably haunted.
- If your kids suddenly start having imaginary friends they never had before that ask them to climb on the roof of the house, its probably haunted.
- If your kid finds a strange scary looking doll at the new house and starts acting strange take it away leave it in the house and run. Its probably haunted.
Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. ‘Let’s go and find some blood’, he suggests.
‘I don’t think you can get any blood this time of the day’, says the other bat.
‘Well, I want some blood and I want it now!’, says the first bat and prepares to take off. ‘Are you coming or what?’
‘Don’t be stupid, you’ll just waste your time’, says the second bat.
So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face. ‘Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?’, asks the second bat.
‘Well, do you see that tree out there?’, says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave, ‘Do you see that tree?’
‘Yes’, says the second bat, ‘of course I see it’.
‘Well, I didn’t’, replies the first.
My friend’s sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted an elaborate wedding. The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception.
Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation.
Family and friends were surprised to read: ‘Conception immediately following the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn.
‘Everyone is invited.’
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy birthday”.
I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, “Good morning boss, happy birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me”.
I said, “Thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”
I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”
She said, “Let’s go to my apartment”.
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back”.
“OK”, I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
|Morris asked his ten-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. |
‘I don’t want to know!’ the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
‘Oh Dad,’ he sobbed, ‘at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!’