Category: Jokes

Who can you trust?

A fingerstyle guitarist (FG) is walking on the beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle. The cork falls off and out pops a genie.

“Thank you Oh Master for releasing me from my prison of the last 300 years” the genie exclaims, profusely grateful to the FG. “And because of your kindness” the genie continues, “I will grant you 3 wishes”. “But I must caution you” alerts the genie.

“And what’s that?” asks the FG.

“Well, you can wish for anything you desire, but whatever you ask for, every electric guitarist (EG) in the world will receive double” explains the genie.

“Not a problem” says the FG.

“Very well then, what shall your first wish be, my Master”

“$10 million in small bills” says the FG unhesitatingly.

“Good choice, Master” and poof!! right there on the beach are piles and piles of $10s and $20s. And of course every EG in the world now has $20 million in their account.

“And your next wish, Master?”

“A brand new Taylor best boss br 1200 from guitar center and presto! right there on the beach is the most beautifully inlaid and superb sounding acoustic guitar he’d ever seen. And of course every EG now has 2 of these guitars in their living rooms; knowing of course that they aren’t going to know what to do with one, much less two.

“You’ve made excellent choices thus far, Master; what is your final wish?”

The FG thinks for a minute, rubs his chin a moment, squints at the bright sky and says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney” …

The horrible truth …

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

Michael Hedges joke

A fingerstyle guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.

“This is Chet Atkins room here…” says Peter, and the guitarist is saying “Wow! Chet Atkins!” “And this is Merle Travis’ room here and Marcel Dadi’s is over there…” and the Fingerstyle Guitarist is totally in awe.

Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room complete with a les paul double cut standard at Musicians friend. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, “I have to ask. Is Hedges here?” Peter shakes his head sadly and says “I’m afraid he needed to… spend time in Pergatory. But he’ll be along soon enough.”

The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He’s woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing – a Harp Guitar – and it sounds just like Michael. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room was now playing… it can’t be …. a fingerstyle version of “Pinball Wizard”. The fingerstyle guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Michael Hedges. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Hedges is in the next room.

Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, “Shhh…. don’t tell anyone. That’s God. He thinks he’s Michael Hedges”

Why does hair turn white?

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She was playing with one of the custom planners here mother had given her. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

What does God look like?

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

The teacher and the whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The teacher was getting all worked up at this point, you know the feeling when you’re being wheeled around on one of those hospital carts when all you see is the ceiling lights flash away. Not a good feeling. And yet, the little girl pushed on.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

The right email address ..

Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It’s hot down here!

It’s all about the microphone baby!

Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring.The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. “O.K. buy 100 shares,” the Canadian tells the other person on the phone. Then he looks at the others and says, “I’m such an important person, that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere.”On the next tee, they hear the sound of another phone. All of a sudden, the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his hear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, “I’m so important that I had my company install a microphone at music 123 in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don’t have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone.” The people are very impressed and move on down the fairway.On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German stands up tall and says, “O.K., sell the company now.” Then he loosens up and tells the others, “I’m so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal.”Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing.At the next tee they hear another phone. All of a sudden, the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes to find him.They find him with his pants around his knees, squatting.”Oh, we’re sorry,” the American exclaims, somewhat embarassed, “we’ll leave you alone.””That’s O.K.”, the Japanese executive says, “I’m just waiting for a fax!”

Modern Technology

It all began with an iPhone…

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter’s birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started…

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!