Category: Jokes

Car envy

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!” The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.” The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.” The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television and some great shock absorbers. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!” The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!” Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. “I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!”

It’s all for the kids …

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

“You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children’s names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.”

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children’s names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, “Whisky”.

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: “Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daisy & Poppy.”

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered:

“Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Fanny and Willy and go home.”

If cars were computers

At a recent computer exposition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, GM issued a press release stating: “If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, find where you installed ESET NOD32 Antivirus, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive — but would run on only five percent of the roads.
  6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “General Protection Fault” warning light.
  7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

Guitar Jokes

Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5 – one to hold it in place and 4 to drink beer until the room spins

Q. What do you call a bass player who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. What does it mean when a guitar player drools out of both sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is level.

Q: What is perfect pitch?
A: When guitar doesn’t hit the side of the dumpster.

Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, “Not bad, but I could’ve done better”.

Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: How do you get 2 electric guitar players to play in perfect unison ?
A: Shoot one of them.

Q: Did you hear about the heavy metal player who locked his keys in the car together with his best es 335?
A: He had to break the window to let the drummer out!

An Oirish Story

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems….

‘Dactor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot’.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

‘Incredible’he says, ‘there is a £20 note lodged up here.’

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

‘This is amazing!’ exclaims the Doctor. ”What do you want me to do?’

‘Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! ‘shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc…..

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

‘Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?’

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says ‘£1,990 exactly.’

‘Ah, dat’d be roit,” says the Irishman. ‘I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand..’

There’s the ring!

A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty-five years he’s very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

“How have you been?” he asks.

“I’ve been fine, just fine,” she replies, “Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though.”

“Bad news first, ma’am.”

“Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy.”

“Oh my, that’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“But here the good news. You know you had lost one of your class rings? Well, the doctor found your it for you!”

Porn on TV?

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a
fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

“For god’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”*

Here’s how to park …

Before going to Europe on business together with his business card designer online, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. “Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce,” the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank’s doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest,” the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. “Wait, sir,” the loan officer says. “You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?” The man smiles, “Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

Balls of steel

Two wrestlers an American and a Russian were the finialists in the World Championship event.

They were preparing to meet each other in the final round and the American coach was giving instructions to his star wrestler while pulling on one of those wrestling singlets.

The coach was saying, “Beware of the Russian and his famous hold – the pretzel. No one has ever got out of that hold!.”

The match begins and the Russian finally gets an advantage on the American and he is in the dreaded pretzel hold.

The spectators start to get up to leave.

Suddenly there is a blood curdling scream and the Russian goes flying across the canvas, and the American wrestler feebly crawls over and pins him for the title.

Later the American coach asked, “How did you get out of that hold?”

The wrestler responds, “Well I knew I was dead meat when he got me in that hold. I opened my eyes and through the blur I could see these big pink testicles.

So I stretched my neck with all my might and I bit down on those babies just as hard as I could.

It’s amazing how much strength you can come up with when you bite your own balls!”

A Xmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honour of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said.

‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’

Paddy replied,

‘These are Carol’s.’