The fingerstyle guitarist

A young, single woman is feeling very ill and has an extensive series of tests done by her doctor. After weeks of tests and more tests, the doctor calls her in. He tells her, I have to be frank with you the test results are not good. You have an incurable disease, and it is terminal. I would think you have no more than six months to live.

Devastated, she sobbingly asks the doctor, is there anything I can do?

The doctor says, well, if I were you I would run out and marry a Fingerstyle Guitarist, preferably one with an exciting ableton live 8.

She asks, How will that help my illness?

The doctor says, “Oh it won’t help your illness; but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!”

After the gig

Guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the guitar case and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says ‘great gig man, you’re one hot picker’.

The player looks at the barman and says ‘thanks’ and the barman says ‘what for’ and the player says ‘for sayin’ nice things about my work’. the barman says ‘ I didn’t say nothing’.

The guitarist thinks it’s late and he’s a bit spaced so he’d better head off when another little voice says ‘yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there’. The guitar player turns around and says ‘thanks’ but there’s nobody there. The feller at the bar says ‘are you ok?’ cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says ‘yeah, I think so’.

Then, as he empties his glass another voice says ‘hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you’ and the bloke says ‘OK! THAT’S IT! WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?’

The barman runs down and says ‘what’s your problem dude?’ to which the guitarist says ‘WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?’

‘What voices? What are they saying?’ when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says ‘oh that’ll be the peanuts man, they’re complementary!’

Guitar Jokes

Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5 – one to hold it in place and 4 to drink beer until the room spins

Q. What do you call a bass player who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. What does it mean when a guitar player drools out of both sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is level.

Q: What is perfect pitch?
A: When guitar doesn’t hit the side of the dumpster.

Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, “Not bad, but I could’ve done better”.

Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: How do you get 2 electric guitar players to play in perfect unison ?
A: Shoot one of them.

Q: Did you hear about the heavy metal player who locked his keys in the car together with his best es 335?
A: He had to break the window to let the drummer out!

Michael Hedges joke

A fingerstyle guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.

“This is Chet Atkins room here…” says Peter, and the guitarist is saying “Wow! Chet Atkins!” “And this is Merle Travis’ room here and Marcel Dadi’s is over there…” and the Fingerstyle Guitarist is totally in awe.

Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room complete with a les paul double cut standard at Musicians friend. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, “I have to ask. Is Hedges here?” Peter shakes his head sadly and says “I’m afraid he needed to… spend time in Pergatory. But he’ll be along soon enough.”

The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He’s woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing – a Harp Guitar – and it sounds just like Michael. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room was now playing… it can’t be …. a fingerstyle version of “Pinball Wizard”. The fingerstyle guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Michael Hedges. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Hedges is in the next room.

Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, “Shhh…. don’t tell anyone. That’s God. He thinks he’s Michael Hedges”