This shop sells absolutely EVERYTHING!

A man is walking buy a shop which has a sign in the window reading “WE SELL ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING”. Looking in from the window you could see a whole bunch of stuff, from designer upholstery fabric all the way to fart cushions!

The man decides to put the shop to the test. He thinks of the most absurd thing possible. He enters the shop, and asks the shopkeeper, “Can I have a waist coat for a Chicken, please”.

The shopkeeper thinks for a moment, and then goes into the back room. He returns after a few seconds and hands the man a condom.

The man says “That’s not a waist coat for a chicken!”

To which the shopkeeper replies, “No sir, but it’s the closest we’ve got – A PULLOVER FOR A COCK”

Arriving in heaven

Three men die and go to heaven and are standing there admiring the art while in a queue to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter: Hi, what’s your name?

Paul: My name is Paul.

St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Paul: 120K.

St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

Paul: I was a lawyer.

St. Peter: That’s great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?

Roger: My name is Roger.

St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Roger: 60K.

St. Peter: Hey, that’s great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?

Roger: I was an accountant.

St. Peter: That’s very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?

John: My name is John.

St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

John: About $23,000.

St. Peter: Hey, that’s fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

Disneyland Survey

A recent survey carried out by a leading soft drink manufacturer in Disneyland, targeted at people on a disney world vacation, produced some strange results.

Mickey Mouse likes Coca-Cola, while Minnie prefers Pepsi.

Donald Duck likes Dr. Pepper, while Daisy prefers Root beer.

Pluto likes plain old lemonade, as does Goofy.

But Snow White adores 7up.

That’s pretty interesting now isn’t it? So, when was the last time that you went to Disneyland?

Blonde at the appliance store

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big cellular shades, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

Give us your watch

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
-“You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

-“But grandpa, I really don”t like guns. How about you leave me your golf gps watch instead?”

-“Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then……pointa to you watch and a say, TIME’S UP?”

Beautiful

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after having laser spine surgery in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, “You’re cute.” Startled, she asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful?'” He replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

The Bracelet

A lady walks into Tiffany’s. After looking at a charm bracelet charm, she spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany’s, and greets the lady with,

‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?’

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet? ‘