Month: May 2012

That’s a nice cigar

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody”

His customer answers in a slurred voice “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis.”

“Oh come on” replies the bartender.

The customer then says “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says “Why this is just a cigar. One of them Rocky Patel cigars in fact”.

The customer looks puzzled and says “I have it here somewhere” and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says ” See that”.

The bartender again inspects it closely and says “You asshole that’s just another cigar.”

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says “Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!”

Some Yoyo jokes

Here are some yoyo jokes all the way from the yoyofactory. Hope you enjoy them!

What goes BUZZZZZ, ZZZZZUB, BUZZZZZ, ZZZZZUB?
A bee stuck to a yo-yo.

Teacher: What did Robert the Bruce do after watching the spider climbing up and down?
Girl: He went and invented the yo-yo.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a yo-yo.
Are you stringing me along?

What did the one yoyo say to the other yoyo when he saw him?
Yo.

Why did the yoyo cross the street?
Because it was walking the dog.

The Housekeeper

A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the phone in the kitchen rings.

“Hello,” says the man answering it.

“Hi,” says a high woman’s voice. “This is Tiffany the housekeeper.”

“Oh,” says the man. “Hi Tiffany.”

“Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you’d be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom.”

“What sort of a problem?”

“Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the mattress, it fell out.”

“Well, what’s the problem, Tiffany?”

“Well, I wasn’t sure just where to put it back, so I just put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?”

“Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate it.”

“Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found that diamond ring you’ve been missing.”

“That’s wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put it?”

“In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!”

“And how did you lock it?”

“First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out and tried the top to make sure it was locked,” says the housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his
instructions.

“Good! And where did you put the key?”

“In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good china.”

“Fantastic!” says the man, impressed.

“Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is going to be so surprised.”

“Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a great housekeeper. I must certainly recommend the durham maid service”

“Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night.”

“You too, Tiffany. Good night.”

The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says with a grin, “This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!”

How long would you like it?

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.The doctor comes in and says,

“Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be ok, you’ll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on,

“You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch, baring errors and omissions.”

The man perks up.

“So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

“Yes I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you make a decision?”

“Yes” says the man.

“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting granite worktops.”

Minimum Wage

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and They would be sending an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up, having just completed an icverify audit. “Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy. “Well,” said Paddy, “there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a Week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.”

“That’s disgraceful” said the inspector, “I need to interview the half-wit.”

“That’ll be me then,” said Paddy.