Month: May 2011

Dinner Party!

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect, she even sent a Smilebox invitation to each and every last one of them. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.”

He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!”
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:

“Come on guys, we’re almost there!”

Heaven or Hell?

These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.

The first guy says, “It’s gotta be the booze. I’m always drunk.”
The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable.
The guy’s thinking, “Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!” and runs into the room.

The second guy says, “It’s the women, I could never stay faithful to my wife.”
The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn’t believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him.

The third dude says, “It’s gotta be the bud. I’m always tokin’ up. I’ve even tried smoking liporexall!”
The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can’t believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door.

One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He’s got an empty bottle in one hand, he’s completely naked, hasn’t shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. “I’ll never drink again!” he says. The devil says it’s good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. “I’m fucking gay!” he screams. The devil figures he’s learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too.

The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and sees nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
The Devil asks him if he’s learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, “Dude … you got a light?”

Addicted to Internet Porn

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

– During foreplay, he’s always double-clicking your G-spot.

– His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.

– When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, “Scroll down.”

– Tells everyone he’s a pioneer in “palm computing.”

– He’s suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries and broken document imaging equipment.

– Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

– When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, “Boy, I’d like to click on her.”

– You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

– As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

– During sex, he shouts, “Refresh! Refresh!”

– His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you… he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

An advertising joke

An advertising team is working very late at night on a project due the next morning. Suddenly, a Genie appears before them and offers to each of them one wish.

The copywriter says: “I’ve always dreamed of writing the great American novel and having my work studied in schools across the land. I’d like to go to a tropical island where I can concentrate and write my masterpiece.” The Genie says, “No problem!” and poof! The copywriter is gone.

The art director says: “I want to create a painting so beautiful that it would hang in the Louvre Museum in Paris for all the world to admire. I want to go to the French countryside to work on my painting.”

The Genie says, “Your wish is granted!” and poof! The art director is gone.

The Genie then turns to the account executive and says, “And what is your wish?”

The account executive looks at his Table top displays and says, “I want those two assholes back here right now.”

Ipod Jokes

Q: Why don’t they make an ipod touch for kids?
A: Because if they did it would be called Itouchkids!

Q: Why is the Apple still reporting record profits?
A: Because iPod users are just as oblivious to the looming recession as they are to the people around them!

Q: According to Apple what is the leading cause of Ipod touch’s overheating?
A: Downloading images of Megan Fox!

Q: How many Apple ipod nano early adopters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3001. 1 to do the work and 3000 to go online and bitch about the lack of obscure features!

Q: What’s the name of the new Apple Ipod, specifically made for bathroom use?
A: Ipotty!

You might be a redneck if …

….your idea of gourmet dining is eating at the snack-bar at K-Mart, while the auto-dept. is raising your truck another 8 inches.

….your idea of bodywork consists of using either duct-tape, twine, or a bungee-cord.

….you have a house that’s mobile, and seven trucks that aren’t.

….you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

….you believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

….you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

….you have a rag for a gas cap.

….the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

….the gas pedal on your truck is shaped like a bare foot.

….you think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

….you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

….you’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

….you’ve painted a truck with house paint and stuck giant Off Road Lights on it.

….you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

….your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

….your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”

….you refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as “the day my ship came in.”

….you mark the Auto Trader with a highlite pen.

….the taillight covers of your truck are made of red tape.

….your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

….on your first date, you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

….your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

….you’ve been to a funeral and there were more pickups than cars.

….you just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

….taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

….your pickup has a two-tone paint job—primer red and primer gray.

— And Finally —

….that billboard that says “SAY NO TO CRACK” reminds you to pull up your jeans!