Top 10 things to do with a broken printer

  • Put it in a director’s office. They’ll never know it doesn’t work.
  • Coerce it with a baseball bat.
  • Sell tickets and let others coerce it with a baseball bat.
  • Tell your boss someone put in ink cartridges full of invisible ink.
  • Pull the laser part out and try to blast Klingons.
  • Give it to your cousin who wants to open up a business card printing business
  • See if it floats in the fountain in front of the building.
  • Take it to the gun range for target practice.
  • See if it bounces when you throw it off the roof.
  • Leave it in the backseat of an unlocked car and track how long before it’s stolen.
  • Paint it gold and call it a sales award.

Where shall we go to eat?

Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald’s next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had widows which opened (in case of hot flashes), it was private enough to talk about murad resurgence, the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn’t too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they’d never been there before.

10 Massage Therapy Jokes

1. Massage Therapist: Your appointment is for 9 A.M. If I’m not on time, start without me.

2. Massage Therapist: Let me know if that’s too much pressure. I don’t want to torture you. That would be an added charge.

3. Massage Therapist (monologuing): I’m going to be doing frictions which can be a little unpleasant. It’s at this point patients sometimes say (in a Sean Connery accent) “Do you expect me to talk?” And I say (wigged out Goldfinger voice): “I expect you to die, Mr. Bond!”

4. Client: What’s in the massage oil?
Massage Therapist: Patchouli and some Rosemary. It smells nice. I tried using holy water once but it burns! It BURNS!

5. Massage Therapist: Is the pressure okay?
Client: How will I know if it’s not “okay”?
Massage Therapist: If you see dead relatives beckoning you toward a bright light, that would be one clue.

6. Client: So…where did you get your training?
Massage Therapist: I’d like to say a I learnt at a massage therapy program online but the truth is: Prison.
Client (hushed gasp): Oh.

7. Client: By that pressure, I’d say you don’t like me very much.
Massage Therapist: (Easing up.) No, no! Thank you for telling me the pressure was too much for you. If I really didn’t like you, I’d use the lawn mower manoeuvre.
Client: (Curious) Ah, and what’s that?
Massage Therapist: I wrap a long towel around your head several times, place one foot on your back, take one end of the towel and, er…start you up!
Client descends into silence for the rest of the hour, tips generously and scurries out.

8. Client: Jeez! That trigger point really hurt!
Massage Therapist: Yeah, if only I would use my powers for good instead of evil.

9. Massage Therapist: Would you like some Tiger Balm down your spine?
Client: No. You shouldn’t use that! It’s not ecologically sound! It’s made with real tigers!
Massage Therapist: Ma’am, I can assure you that Tiger Balm is not that expensive. I’ve looked at the ingredients and I’m sure it does not contain any tiger residue whatsoever.
Client: Oh. Um. Okay.
Massage Therapist: The Baby Powder, however, contains 96% actual babies.

10. Client: I’m thinking of becoming a Massage Therapist myself. In the job I have now all I hear is complaints and people tell me their problems all day.
Massage Therapist: Spoken as a true healer.
Client: Huh?
Massage Therapist: What is it you do now, again?
Client: I’m a nurse.
Massage Therapist: (Speechless.)