Tag: IT

IT Helpdesk calls

User’s new notebook PC has a wireless network card. He loves it – for a day or so, until the battery goes dead. “Did you plug it into a power outlet to charge it?” asks systems administrator. “No,” says sales guy impatiently. “It’s wireless, why would I?”

Accounting department reports that the backup tape for a server won’t stay in. Tech geek tries, and runs a backup without a problem – but the next day the complaint is back. “We asked them to show us the problem, but they were too busy to stop and work with us,” tech says. “This went on for weeks until accounting submitted a purchase order to hire a consultant. He came out and watched as our accountant inserted a cleaning tape into the drive – and a few seconds later it popped out. Consultant made a big label that said CLEANING TAPE, explained to the accountant that she needs to back up her data on one of the tapes that does not say CLEANING TAPE on it, and billed us $150.”

Help desk worker gets a puzzling question from a user: Can she send e-mail to a company in the U.K.? She explained that she tried to e-mail some people in the U.K. and the e-mail came back. She was under the impression that e-mail was like the phone system, and since she couldn’t make an international call, she couldn’t send an international e-mail.”

I can’t connect with the network, remote user tells help desk. “After several minutes of troubleshooting, it was clear that the problem was the user’s modem, which basically died,” tech reports. Impatient user’s next question: “Where can I download another modem?”

User’s PC hard drive is damaged, but support tech manages to recover the files in key directories and copies them to a new drive. Still, user is furious: “Where the @#$%! are all my files? Did you wipe drive for me?” “Where were the files that are missing now?” technician asks. “I used to save them in that cute can. I use those files a lot, and that icon says ‘Recycle,’ so I thought it was a good place to put the files that I reuse often.”

Newly hired user to IT manager: “My mouse pad is missing. Do you have another?” No, but you can get an office supply catalog from purchasing, pick out one you like and have them order it. New hire leaves, only to return minutes later: “My boss says you have to order me a mouse pad. She says you’re the only one who knows what kind is compatible with our system.”

Top 10 things to do with a broken printer

  • Put it in a director’s office. They’ll never know it doesn’t work.
  • Coerce it with a baseball bat.
  • Sell tickets and let others coerce it with a baseball bat.
  • Tell your boss someone put in ink cartridges full of invisible ink.
  • Pull the laser part out and try to blast Klingons.
  • Give it to your cousin who wants to open up a business card printing business
  • See if it floats in the fountain in front of the building.
  • Take it to the gun range for target practice.
  • See if it bounces when you throw it off the roof.
  • Leave it in the backseat of an unlocked car and track how long before it’s stolen.
  • Paint it gold and call it a sales award.

You know it’s time to turn your computer off and read a book when:

OK, some of these are a bit old, but applicable anyway …

  • A friend calls and says “How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!”
  • You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
  • You see something funny and scream, “LOL, LOL.”
  • You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said “You’ve Got Mail!”
  • You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
  • You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IM’s.
  • You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
  • Tech support calls YOU for help.
  • You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”
  • You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
  • You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
  • You say “he he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.
  • You say “Scroll Up” when someone asks what it was you said.
  • You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
  • You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
  • You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
  • You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online for awhile.
  • “Where did the time go??”
  • You sit on AOL for six hours for that certain special person to sign on.
  • You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
  • You have an SSL VPN Authentication token as your keyring.
  • …..You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….
  • You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}and **kisses**.
  • Being called a “newbie” is a major insult to you.
  • You’re on the phone and say “BRB.”
  • Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
  • Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this….”BRB. Leave your S/N and I’ll TTYL ASAP”.
  • You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-Life.

Thank you for calling Tech Support

‘Thank you for calling Technical Support.’

(This is kind of long… just like waiting for Tech Support)

All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.

(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler’s ‘Lugubrious’ Symphony in C Minor)

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and ori- ginal packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be im- mediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electron- ics related firm in the industrialized world.

(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have please press the numeral ‘one’ on your telephone touchpad. If not, press the numeral ‘two.’ If you are not sure, using the letters on your touchpad, spell out the phrase: ‘I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live.’ Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.

(Rangoon Opera Company’s classic 1963 recording of Wagner’s ‘Ring Cycle’ in its entirety)

Thank you for calling Orange County Tech Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours. _

(Wayne Newton singing ‘Danke Schoen’ 1,743 times)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the tech- nician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:

* If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind?

* Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?

* Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?

* Have I consulted my manual?

* Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?

* Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can’t stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?

* Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?

If you can not honestly answer ‘yes’ to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours.

(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of a salamander.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’ into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.

(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indi- cate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustra- tion attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further techni- cal problems arise.