Day: April 17, 2009

Hitched

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “RINGS” :
– The Engagement Ring
– The Wedding Ring
– The Suffer-Ring
– The Endue-Ring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
– In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
– In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
– In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It’s true that all men are born free and equal – but some of them get MARRIED!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…. and then it was too late!”

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.” (Pity it wasn’t one of those benchmark rings)

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Where jewellery comes from

One afternoon a little girl returned home from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied: “Really sweetie, why don’t you tell me all about it?”

The little girl explained, “Well…Okay…the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy’s thing sort of stands up, and then the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that’s how you get babies.”

Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, “Oh honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not how you get babies. That’s how you get jewellery.”

(Pity mens jewelry doesn’t come the same way)

Two Swedish girls …

One afternoon two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture taken. They were considering setting up a website using live video streaming services but wanted to see what they looked like in a photo first. Not being very educated, they question each other on what the photographer is doing.

When the photographer goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks, “Vot’s he goink to do?”

Her sister answers,” He’s goink to focus!”

The second sister cries,” Bot of us?”

How to detect a mental deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“There are a number of techniques from multi-factor analysis to detailed observation; but there’s one way that never fails,” he replied. “You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

The Mechanic’s Dictionary

Drilling

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, just like golf equipment, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brakedrum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouc….”

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. (Better than one of those car lifts though)

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

The Milk Bath

Geri Halliwell on the April 2005 UK edition

A blonde was reading Cosmopolitan magazine, and next to a page about Patentrim reviews she reads an article that says milk is good for your skin and pores.

Excitedly, the next day she puts a note on her steps for the milkman telling him she wants 25 gallons of milk.

The next day the milkman finds the note and he is confused if she meant to write it as 2.5 gallons, so he finds the women and asks her if she wants 2.5 gallons or 25 gallons. She says “No 25 gallons, its for taking a bath”.

The milkman says “Would you like it pasteurized?”.

“No just up to my tits”, she replied.