Month: February 2008

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, “I don’t know… Why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away, looking for the restaurant in the Vegas hotel. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know, buddy…. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!”

Here’s why you should always carry a portable oxygen concentrator around with you:

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet”.

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my testicles black?” Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his privae bits in her hands and takes a closer look, and says “There is nothing wrong with them!”

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, “That was very nice but, are… my… test… results… back?

Sarah and Issy are out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of life insurance (his) – an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.

“Issy,” she says, with tears in her eyes, “I don’t think you love me.”

“Why do you think that?” he asks.

“Because if you really love me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for.”

“Sarah,” he says angrily, “I need family life insurance like I need a hole in the head.”

“I know your views,” says Sarah, “but I’ve spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance – and they’re not as rich as you. If it’s good enough for them, why isn’t it good enough for you?”

“I’ll tell you why,” replies Issy, “it’s because they’ve been paying high premiums month after month and what have they got so far in return? Nothing, gornisht.”

“So what if their husbands have been paying for nothing?” says Sarah, “You’ve always told me I’m luckier than my friends – who knows, maybe this time I’ll strike it rich.”

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. If you have travel insurance your bags will arrive safely.
9. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
10. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
11. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

The Edge
How do Columbians develop muscle? By pushing drugs.

Gym Robbery
Gold’s Gym was robbed last week, that’s the last time they recommend free weights.

Rumble in the jungle
Why did the stupid Bodybuilder train at the zoo?
He wanted to get ripped to shreds.

Acne
What do you call a Bodybuilder with major acne?
Flecks Wheeler.

Newspaper Headline
ZOMBIE BODYBUILDER DOES THE DEADLIFT.

Libido
Randy bodybuilders do reps in the morning and company reps in the evening.

Lat Pulldown
Who invented the lat pulldown? An unknown Latvian.

The Fight
Two Bodybuilders were having a fight in the street after one stole the other’s prohormones. One of them tore off a car exhaust pipe and tried to ram it down the throat of the other builder “This is what I call the the pre-exhaust principle.

Tenancy
Why wasn’t the bodybuilder evicted? Because he was squatting.

Interview
A Bodybuilder said to a reporter,”Would you like to see my traps?” And the reporter said”yes”. So he took him down to his cellar and pushed him down a trapdoor.

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary, to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom Hansgrohe faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked, “How much for that faucet?”

Walt replied, “That’s pewter and it costs $300.”

“My goodness that sure is a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?”

“No, but I will for the faucet.”

.. and this is why you can’t send a woman to Home Depot.

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but it takes her several hours because she keeps wanting to do “just one more.”

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to get a 250-watt replacement bulb because the area could use more light, and one to replace the existing fixture with a directional one.

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two, so they can discuss which color bulb would look better against the ceiling.

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to change the light bulb, and four to form a round-robin because the cover is too plain and would look great with a stitched design on it.

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. He was using his Dazor magnifier lamp and didn’t even notice that the bulb in the ceiling had burned out.

Hearing a commotion outside, a farmer’s wife pulls up her kitchen roller shades, looks out through her window and sees her son coming home from school. The boy’s in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow.

Once inside, his mother says, “I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig you’ll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week.”

Just at that moment, the boy’s father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room. The boy looks at his mother and says, “Do you wanna tell him, or should I ?”