Married into the family

A very successful real estate broker had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my real estate Branson office. All you have to do is go to the office every day and learn the business.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate office. I can’t stand agents.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some the paperwork.”

“I hate paperwork,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of my real estate office, but you don’t like office and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

Who’s the boss?

A auto insurance rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

Make a Joke Logo

Hey, here’s a great idea for some practical jokes. Using LogoYes, you can create your very own logo and even get business cards made. They have hundreds of different designs and you can create logo you like, from Worlds Greatest Lover, all the way to World’s Smelliest Mouse. You get a pretty professional finish and the cards are the real thing, so you can pass them around to friends and enemies. Here’s a logo design I created earlier:

mightymouse.JPG

Ok, I’m not a mouse, but you get the idea!? Check them out.

Playing Golf

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward some men playing the next hole. The golf ball hit one of them. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man. “Please allow me to help. I’m a specialist in massage therapy and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,” How does that feel”?

He replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!”

Watch those bikes

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop in Branson Missouri when three Hell’s Angels’ bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man’s milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.”

Night in a hotel

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room.

“Welcome to Condo Hotels“, says the clerk. As he fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

“Fancy meeting my wife here,” he says to the clerk. “Guess I’ll need a double room for the night.”

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. “What’s the meaning of this?” he yells at the clerk. “I’ve only been here one night!”

“Yes,” says the clerk, “but your wife has been here for three weeks.”

Getting on a train

Three lawyers (one from Washington, one from Scranton and one from New York) and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, “Trust us — we’re lawyers.”

When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand (the one of the Scranton personal injury lawyer) shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly canceled.

On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. “Well,” they said modestly, “we ARE lawyers.”

After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. “Trust us,” the three said. “We’re lawyers.”

When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the adjoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant’s bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.

That odd joke

“I bought some batteries… but they weren’t included… so I had to buy them again…”

“One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building… I turned it… and the whole building started up…. So I drove it around…. A policeman stopped me for going too fast… He said, ‘Where do you live?’… I said, ‘Right here’… Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.”

“If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”

“I saw a close friend of mine the other day… He said ‘Stephen, why haven’t you called me.”… I said, “I can’t call everyone I want… my (new) phone has no ‘five’ on it.”… He said, “How long have you had it?”… I said, “I don’t know… my calendar has no ‘seven’s on it.”

“I have a map of the united states …. it’s original size … it says one mile equals one mile.”

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

“I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…”

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my cheap eyeglasses ran out ….

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say “What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!”

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said “the whole time”.

One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

The screaming baby

A man was looking through a car showroom looking at accessories for his truck, pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”

As he got to the truck bed liners, a woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”

The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

Coffee Addiction

You know you are addicted to coffee if

  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You sleep with your eyes open.
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  • The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
  • You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  • You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  • You chew on other people’s fingernails.
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  • You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  • You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
  • You can jump-start your car without cables.
  • You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • You channel surf faster without a remote.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.
  • You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

So, if all that reminds you of yourself, take a timeout and get some addiction treatment