Tag: joke

Canadian Passport Rant

(This is apparently a genuine addenum to a Canadian Passport Application.)

Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my @#&in’ address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals assholes working’ there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another @#%in copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the @#%in’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! (@#%in morons)

Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!

Signed – An Irate @#%ing Canadian Citizen.

P.S.
Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans.

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST @#%ing CHINA !!!

Where do red-haired babies come from?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. ‘Doctor,’ the man said, ‘I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine!!’

‘Nonsense,’ the doctor said’.

‘Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.’

‘It isn’t possible,’ the man insisted.’????? ?’This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.’

‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? ‘

The man seemed a bit ashamed . ‘I’ve been working very hard for the past year, I’m a traveling car insurance salesman and spend a lot of time away from home. We only made love once or twice every few months.’

‘Well, there you have it!’ The doctor said confidently.

‘It’s rust.’

Your Diet

For those of you who have tried Atkins, overdosed on lipovox and watch what you eat…

Here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
  3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans
  4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
  5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Satanic Starbucks

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn’t even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn’t want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. One was even playing on a PS3. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”

What to speak about?

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The girl, turned off her MP3 players and said to the guy, “What would you like to talk about?”

Oh, I don’t know,” said the guy. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff… grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The guy thought about it and said, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the girl replied, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

Insurance Salesman

A man walks into an insurance office who specialise in? home insurance and life insurance and asks for a job.

“Sorry, we don’t need anyone…” they replied.

“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!”

“Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.”

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

“How in the world did you do that?” they asked.

“I told you I’m the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!”

“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Jone’s and this one is Mrs. Johnson’s.”

“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”

“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention –

so I stopped and sold them a group policy!”

Accountant Joke

You might be an Accountant if…

  • you refer to your child as Deduction 214.
  • you deduct Exlax as “Moving expenses”.
  • you have no idea that GAP is also a renaissance clothing store.
  • at the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.
  • getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.
  • your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
  • you are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year.
  • you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline “======”.

A matter of sums

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: “Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel (I hate cheap hotels) with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary.”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: “Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”

Happy Birthday Dear

A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday, shall I get you a dress, a gift basket or something different?” She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald‘s they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?”

One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually I meant dress size.”