Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,’ he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know,Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.’

He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. They didn’t look black, steel building colors, purple or any other colour.

Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely…..

‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – back ?’

Where did the white man go wrong?

Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white government official, ‘You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done’

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, ‘Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?’

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.

‘When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.’

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. ‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could twiddle the knobs and improve system like that.’

Internet Detox Centre

The rules for the Internet Detox Center are as follows:

All words written must be in full form; No shorthand.

Group Therapy is not to be mistaken as a chat room, and it’s not as hard as xanax detox addiction abuse withdrawal.

The words LOL, Bling, A/S/L, and Pic, are forbidden.

When a person stalls, its not to be considered as “Lagging.”

The shakes that come in the form of an “Air Keyboard” are to be treated ASAP.

Going to sleep is not to be mistaken as signing off.

One-on-One therapy is not to be mistaken as an “Instant Message.”

All records must be filed on paper using black ink; No computers allowed — period!

No “nicknames” allowed because of the “screen name” factor.

When your treatment is over and you leave you are NOT considered to have been “Booted.”

Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

Here’s a recipe for you and if you need an apron for this one just click through here.

You’ll need the following:

  • 1 Cup water
  • 1 Cup sugar
  • 1 Cup brown sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • lemon juice
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 2 Cups dried fruit nuts
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to off the beat turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.

Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?!

It’s all about dust …

A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. He had been hiding under his rustic bedding, but needed consoling from his mum.

“What’s wrong?” asked his mother.

“Do people really come from dust, like they said in church?” he sobbed.

“In a way they do,” said his mother.

“And when they die so they turn back to dust?”

“Yes, they do.”

The little boy began to cry again. “Well, under my bed there’s someone either coming or going.”

Some lightbulb jokes

Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind. The answer is blowin’ in the wind.

Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.

Q: How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to say “Excelleeeeeent !”

Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Q: How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing that it’s their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licenses on the way, they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into his long grey shapeless overcoat’s pockets. They are joined on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose names they’ve forgotten but they do at least *sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, the lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up and led lighting all the way on, so the dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed lightbulb in its mouth.

One dollar per point

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had mentioned he could buy silver coins and finally attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out.

This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

Drum Jokes

Q: Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don’t disgrace themselves at the parade.

Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
A: The knocking gets slower.

Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
A: The knocking gets faster.

Q: How do you know when a drum solo‘s really bad?
A: The bass player notices.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he’ll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can’t just be pushed in.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What do you call a cajon player who has just broken up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

RV Emergency

A motorhome broke down along the freeway one day, so the driver eased it over onto the shoulder of the busy road. He’d never had an rv travel emergency before so he had to improvise.

He jumped out of his driver side door, walked around his rig and opened the door to the coach itself. Out popped two men in trench coats.

The men stood behind the motorhome and immediately opened up their coats, exposing themselves to the passing traffic. The result was one of the worst pile-ups in the road’s history.

Later, when questioned by an angry highway patrolman why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the RVer replied, “I was broken down, so I just used my emergency flashers!”

Tight Dress

As the bus pulled up, Angie realized she was going to have a difficult time getting on. Her dress was too tight for her to step up, her hands were full of packages, and the line of people behind her did not seem to be in a charitable mood.

She realized that the best thing to do was to try to loosen her dress so, with great effort, she stretched her hand behind her and pulled the zipper down halfway. When that didn’t seem to help, she pulled it down the rest of the way.

Just then the bus pulled up and, still unable to ascend, she was both shocked and offended when a man, dressed in one of those fleece jackets, standing behind her picked her up and put her on the bus.

Turning, she growled, “What right did you have to touch me?”

The man climbed on and said, “Well, after you pulled my fly down I kind of figured we were good friends.”