The shopkeeper of one of the discount furniture stores in los angeles was dismayed when a newly opened antique business much like his own opened up next door to the left and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS ON ANTIQUES.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading BEST QUALITY ANTIQUES AT THE LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read…
A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce, down at the court right next to radio shack. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said:
“Your Honour, I brought the child into the world with pain and labour. She should be in my custody”.
The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in your defense?” The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly rose.
“Your Honour, if I put a coin in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, whose Coke is it, the machines’ or mine?”
Determined to “take it with him” when he died, a very rich man prayed until finally the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion, having chosen them over the pile of silver bullion bars he had.
The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he couldn’t bring his suitcase. “Oh, but I have an agreement with God,” the man explained.
“That’s unusual,” said St. Peter. “Mind if I take a look?” The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.
St. Peter was amazed. “Why in the world would you bring pavement?”
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party, wife was in a party frock and a nice gold chain; I was all spruced up. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.’
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!’
The cab driver hit a parked car.
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, I have one of these acer laptop computers, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,’An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Eric grinned…. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down:
I used to like Eric, the little bastard..
1) Pays better then fast food, though the hours aren’t as good.
2) Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.
3) Needles: “Tis better to give than receive”
4) Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops…eventually.
5) Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.
6) Interesting aromas.
7) Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
8) Do enough charting to navigate around the world, even if it’s on top of a Howard-Medical.com medical cart.
9) Celebrate all the holidays with your friends- at work.
10) Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
I’ve been looking for these for ages, ever since I saw one parked on a car. They contain a memo that says: ‘THANKS!… FOR PARKING SO CLOSE. NEXT TIME LEAVE A FUCKING CAN-OPENER SO I CAN GET MY CAR OUT. ARSEHOLES LIKE YOU SHOULD TAKE A BUS.’ Now, I’m sure you can think of a situation when one of these would have been useful for you. You know, when some idiot parks right up to you and you just can’t move one way or the other. Well, I’ve been looking for these for ages and might just get myself a pad of cheeky memos for Christmas.
Its from the funny gifts section at Find Me A Gift, where they have an entire section devoted to the funniest gifts you could fine this side of Christmas. From Yo Mama Toilet Roll all the way to the Inflatable Boob Pillow; you’re bound to find something that will please just about anyone.
Check them out!
The Devil tells a salesman who specialised in snow chains for trucks, “Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived.”
“Well,” says the salesman, “what do I have to do in return?”
The Devil smiles, “Well, of course you have to give me your soul,” he says, “but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children’s children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity.”
“Wait a minute,” the salesman says cautiously, “What’s the catch?”