Day: November 21, 2012

Who can you trust?

A fingerstyle guitarist (FG) is walking on the beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle. The cork falls off and out pops a genie.

“Thank you Oh Master for releasing me from my prison of the last 300 years” the genie exclaims, profusely grateful to the FG. “And because of your kindness” the genie continues, “I will grant you 3 wishes”. “But I must caution you” alerts the genie.

“And what’s that?” asks the FG.

“Well, you can wish for anything you desire, but whatever you ask for, every electric guitarist (EG) in the world will receive double” explains the genie.

“Not a problem” says the FG.

“Very well then, what shall your first wish be, my Master”

“$10 million in small bills” says the FG unhesitatingly.

“Good choice, Master” and poof!! right there on the beach are piles and piles of $10s and $20s. And of course every EG in the world now has $20 million in their account.

“And your next wish, Master?”

“A brand new Taylor best boss br 1200 from guitar center and presto! right there on the beach is the most beautifully inlaid and superb sounding acoustic guitar he’d ever seen. And of course every EG now has 2 of these guitars in their living rooms; knowing of course that they aren’t going to know what to do with one, much less two.

“You’ve made excellent choices thus far, Master; what is your final wish?”

The FG thinks for a minute, rubs his chin a moment, squints at the bright sky and says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney” …

The horrible truth …

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

Michael Hedges joke

A fingerstyle guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.

“This is Chet Atkins room here…” says Peter, and the guitarist is saying “Wow! Chet Atkins!” “And this is Merle Travis’ room here and Marcel Dadi’s is over there…” and the Fingerstyle Guitarist is totally in awe.

Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room complete with a les paul double cut standard at Musicians friend. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, “I have to ask. Is Hedges here?” Peter shakes his head sadly and says “I’m afraid he needed to… spend time in Pergatory. But he’ll be along soon enough.”

The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He’s woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing – a Harp Guitar – and it sounds just like Michael. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room was now playing… it can’t be …. a fingerstyle version of “Pinball Wizard”. The fingerstyle guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Michael Hedges. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Hedges is in the next room.

Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, “Shhh…. don’t tell anyone. That’s God. He thinks he’s Michael Hedges”

Why does hair turn white?

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She was playing with one of the custom planners here mother had given her. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

What does God look like?

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

The teacher and the whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The teacher was getting all worked up at this point, you know the feeling when you’re being wheeled around on one of those hospital carts when all you see is the ceiling lights flash away. Not a good feeling. And yet, the little girl pushed on.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.