You know you’re growing old when ..

– When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

– When your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

– When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

– When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

– When your wife says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

– Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

– When you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

– You know you’re getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

– You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

– You have a lifetime supply of glucosamine chondroitin msm

– Your back goes out, but you stay home.

– You wake up, looking like your driver’s license picture.

– It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

– Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

– Happy hour is a nap.

– When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

– Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

– It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

– Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

– The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

– It takes twice as long to look half as good.

– The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

– You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

– You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

– You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.

– You have more patience; but actually, it’s just that you don’t care any more.

– You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

– You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

– You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

– You don’t know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

– Let’s face it, traveling just isn’t as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

– Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

– You’re suffering from Mallzheimer’s disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

– Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

– Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

– It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

– If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.

– People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

– Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

– Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

– Your eyes won’t get much worse.

– Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

– Things you buy now won’t wear out.

– No one expects you to run into a burning building.

– There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

– Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

– In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

– You’re sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

– You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing “Kumbaya.”

– Someone compliments you on your layered look…. and you’re wearing a bikini.

– You start video taping daytime game shows.

– You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

– At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

– Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

– Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

– It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

– You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

– You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

– You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

– You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

– You look both ways before crossing a room.

– You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

– You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

– You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

– Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

– Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

– The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.

– All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

– The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

– You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

– Your back goes out more than you do.

– You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

– You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

– You are proud of your lawn mower.

– Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn’t breaking any laws.

– Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

– You sing along with the elevator music.

– You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

– You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

– You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

– You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

– You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

– Neighbors borrow your tools.

– People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

– You have a dream about prunes.

– You send money to PBS.

– The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

– You take a metal detector to the beach.

– You wear black socks with sandals.

– You know what the word “equity” means.

– You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

– Your ears are hairier than your head.

– You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

– You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

– You got cable for the weather channel.

– You can go bowling without drinking.

– You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

– Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

– You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.

– Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

– Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

– Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.

– You look forward to a dull evening.

– Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

– You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

– You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

– You don’t remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

– You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

– You don’t remember being absent minded.

– “Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take a laxative.

– Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

– Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.