Purchasing furniture

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (that’s a modern furniture store if you’ve never been to one). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I’d like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That’s fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I’m sure you can find one you like.

C: I need one that’s 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don’t have one.

C: But how do get there?

Y: We’re just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

C: Wait, wait, you’re going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!

The hardware store

A duck walks into a hardware store and finds the manager sorting out some Elkay sinks.

He asks the manager, “Do you have any duck food?”

The manager says, “No, we don’t have any duck food.”

The duck leaves, and comes back later. He asks the manager, “Do you have any duck food.”

The manager is annoyed and says, “NO! We don’t have any duck food!”

The next day, here comes the duck again into the hardware store. He finds the manager and says, “Do you have any duck food?”

The manager, exasperated, says, “No, we don’t have any duck food, and if you come in here and ask me that again, I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!” and stomps away.

The duck leaves and the next day, comes in again. He says to the manager, “Do you have any nails?”

The manager screams, “NO, we don’t have any nails!” So the duck says, “Do you have any duck food?”