Day: January 20, 2010

Drug addics

Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time instead of sending them to drug rehab.

The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.

The judge said, “That was great how did you do that?”

The Boy told him, “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd boy)

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”

“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your asshole before prison.'”

Hiding the evidence

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She had tried all the weightloss products on the market and still hadn’t lost any weight. Here was one of the stories she told her friends:

She’d made her family’s favourite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they’d eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she’d polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.

“What did he say when he found out?” one club member asked.

“He never found out,” she said. “I made another cake and ate half.”

Make up jokes

Here are some jokes for the girls; so put down your youthology cream and have a read

Where do make-up artists park their cars?
Why in compact spaces of course

How come beautiful women never lose a fight?
Because they know how to make-up

How come it’s hard for women to learn to whistle?
Because their lips-stick

What was the engineer looking for in a future wife?
A good foundation

No more meat

The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert.

“The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’ ” she began. “Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month — until you loathe it.”

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up and said, “Hey, isn’t that the Atkins diet?”

(Turned out she had tried the cabbage soup diet, Atkins, even phentermine diet pills so she was quite an expert)

Costume Party

Bald Bill is invited to a costume party. He rushes to the costume shop. He tells the shop owner that he wants a costume that will hide both his bald head (hair loss treatments never worked on him) and his wooden leg. The store owner goes to the back of the store, and returns with a pirate costume. “This will cover your head with a bandanna, and your wooden leg will look just like part of your costume.”

“That’s not going to work,”said Bald Bill. “I asked for a costume that covers both my baldness and my wooden leg.”

The store owner apologizes, and returns to the back of the store. He returns a few minutes later, carrying a monk’s habit. “This long robe will cover your wooden leg, and your bald head will seem to be just part of the costume.”

Bald Bill is irate. “I said I wanted a costume that would cover both my baldness, and my wooden leg!”

The store owner apologizes again to Bald Bill, and returns to the back of the store. He returns with a jar of molasses, which he hands to Bald Bill.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” Bald Bill asks.

The store owner replies,”Pour this molasses on your head, and stick your wooden leg up your butt. Then you’ll look like a caramel apple.

College Football

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a USC, a UCLA grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting “This is for the Fighting Irish!” as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, “This is for the Gators!”

Seeing this, the UCLA grad walked over and shouted “This is for the Bruins!” and pushed the Trojans fan off the side of the mountain.