Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other: Does this taste funny to you?
Month: July 2009
Am I off the hook?
A lawyer called in his client to discuss the results of some forensics about his case.
“I have good news and bad news,” a defence attorney told his client.
“First the bad news: The blood test came back, and the DNA testing proved that your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim’s dress.”
“Oh, no – I’m ruined!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is down to 140!” , he replied.
Crazy English
[Many of these are mere wordplay, but several are linguistic anomalies. One interesting thing the author doesn’t note is that in English one tells a lie, but the truth. Try explaining that to a six-year-old! So lie back in your discount classroom furniture and tell me what you think]
Let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day an cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
Now I know why I flunked my English. It’s not my fault; the silly language doesn’t quite know whether it’s coming or going
The religious horse
A city dweller donned his breeches and came to a farm and saw a beautiful horse. He decided he had to have the animal. He bargained with the farmer and the farmer finally sold him the horse.
The city man jumped on the horse and said, “Giddyup!” The horse didn’t budge. The farmer explained, “This is a special kind of horse. He’ll only move if you say, ‘Praise the Lord.’ To stop him, you have to say, ‘Amen.'”
Keeping this in mind, the new owner yelled, “Praise the Lord!” whereupon the horse took off with great speed. Soon horse and rider were headed for a cliff. Just in time the rider remembered to say “Amen!”
The horse came to a screeching halt right at the edge of the cliff.
Relieved, the rider raised his eyes to heaven and exclaimed, “Praise the Lord!”
A husband ask his wife what sh…
A husband ask his wife what she wants for her birthday. “Lots of diamonds”. she says. So he buys her a pack of cards
Half an hour late
A couple of weeks ago, I played with new member who shot an even par 72.
We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week.
He said: “Sure, but I might be a half hour late.”
The following week he shows up right on on time, and sets up his golf clubs on the first tee this time playing left- handed. Again he shoots a 72.
I asked him if he wanted to play again next week.
He replied: “Sure but I might be a half hour late.”
I then asked him :”How come some times you play right- handed and other times, left-handed.”
He said :”When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed.”
I then ask ;”So,what if she is laying flat on her back?”
“That’s when I’ll be a half hour late!” he replied
Cinema Mayhem
A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a cinema. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry sir, but you”re only allowed one seat.”
The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
“Sir,” the usher said, “if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager, mumbling about how people nowadays have got used to live video streaming services. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
“All right, buddy. What’s your name?”
“Sam,” the man moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?” the cop asked.
“The balcony”
Missed a day at the office …
Do you work in an office? If you do, here’s something that might happen to you …
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss or an Irvine website design company asked one of his employees.
“Yes, Sir.” the new recruit replied.
“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you!
Two parrots sitting on a perch…
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other: Can you smell fish?
Stories from a cruise ship
These are true stories from someone who works on a Caribbean cruise ship.
1. (For this one, you have to know that it’s really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.
2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.
3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. “We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!”
4. There was some mix-up with a woman’s room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, “Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?” She replied, “Well, it looks like it might rain today. I’d better get an inside cabin.”
5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with — fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, “Sea water.” “Oh, that explains why it’s so rough today.”
6. Someone — always a man — always asks, “does the ship run on generators?” The Cruise Director usually tells them, “No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland.”
7. “What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?”
