Month: April 2008

One day in a major corporation, an IT manager noticed that his main computer programmer (who was an expert on batch file) had not shown up to work for almost a week.

Worried, the IT manager called 911 and the police ended up going to the programmer’s house and they searched for him.

They found him in the shower washing his hair with the water running and his body was wrinkled as a prune.

The police said “Do you know that you haven’t been to work for almost a week”.

The programmer replied “I know, but I bought this new bottle of shampoo and the directions tell me to rinse and repeat!”

These quotes are taken from real corporate performance management reports:

• “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
• “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
• “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
• “This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”
• “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
• “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
• “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
• “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
• “This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.”
• “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains of Pigeon Forge when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. He’d never seen a Pigeon Forge cabin rentals so intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

“Anybody home?” he asked.

“Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.

“Is your father there?” asked the tourist.

“Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,” said the kid.

“Well, is your mother there?” persisted the tourist.

“Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,” said the kid.

“But,” protested the city slicker, “are you never together as a family?”

“Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door. “This is the outhouse!

A bear walked into a bar one hot summers day and asked the man behind the bar for a beer.

The bar tender told the bear that they don’t serve bears at this bar.

The bear said that he was tired and thirsty and not in a good mood so if he didn’t get a beer he would eat one of his patrons.

The bartender refused so the bear ate this beautiful blond in the corner and walked back to the bar and said that if he didn’t get a beer he’d eat another patron.

The bar tender told him that they never serve drug addicts in this bar.

The bear says “Drug addict?… What are you talking about?”

The bartender says “That was a bar-bitch-you-ate.

(Looks like the bear needs to go to alcohol rehab)

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer (or similar) and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn’t even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

“Doctor,” she said, “I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh… silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, I might have fibromyalgia you’ve got to help me! What can we do?”

“Well,” said the doctor raising his voice a little, “I think the first thing we’re going to do is give you a hearing test.”

A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, “I’m fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet.” The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. “But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water.” The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet. He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary — no luck. “But”, says the shop owner, “I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary.” He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird’s life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. “Besides”, he thinks to himself, “parakeets are much cheaper.” His next stop is a hardware store, where after looking at some sinks he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. “Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown.” The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.

A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports “Bird’s dead”. The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks “Filed off too much beak?” To which the former bird owner replies “Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise.”

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.

I wasn’t too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it’d never been there.

So I took the sweater down to Wong’s Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he’d probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday, as he had lots of equestrian clothing from other clients to deal with first. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong’s again.

Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.

And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.

The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wong’s to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. “No charge,” said Wong, “but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.

The Moral: … Two Wongs cannot make a white.”

You Might Be a Technician if…

• you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.
• you think of the gadgets in your office as “friends.”
• you think your computer looks better without the cover.
• you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as is.”
• you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
• the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions.
• the microphone at a meeting doesn’t work and you rush up to fix it.
• you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
• you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
• you just don’t have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
• you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.