Day: March 8, 2008

Three lawyers (one from Washington, one from Scranton and one from New York) and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, “Trust us — we’re lawyers.”

When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand (the one of the Scranton personal injury lawyer) shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly canceled.

On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. “Well,” they said modestly, “we ARE lawyers.”

After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. “Trust us,” the three said. “We’re lawyers.”

When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the adjoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant’s bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.

“I bought some batteries… but they weren’t included… so I had to buy them again…”

“One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building… I turned it… and the whole building started up…. So I drove it around…. A policeman stopped me for going too fast… He said, ‘Where do you live?’… I said, ‘Right here’… Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.”

“If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”

“I saw a close friend of mine the other day… He said ‘Stephen, why haven’t you called me.”… I said, “I can’t call everyone I want… my (new) phone has no ‘five’ on it.”… He said, “How long have you had it?”… I said, “I don’t know… my calendar has no ‘seven’s on it.”

“I have a map of the united states …. it’s original size … it says one mile equals one mile.”

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

“I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…”

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my cheap eyeglasses ran out ….

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say “What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!”

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said “the whole time”.

One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

A man was looking through a car showroom looking at accessories for his truck, pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”

As he got to the truck bed liners, a woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”

The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”