Italian Math

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” the Italian says, “Data easy.” and he proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine,” says the Italian.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
(You’re going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I a start?”

Beware of the dog!

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, ‘DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!’ posted on the glass door.

Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the store’s owner, ‘Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?’

‘Yep,’ the proprietor answered. ‘That’s him.’

The stranger couldn’t help being amused. ‘That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me,’ he chuckled. ‘Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?’

‘Because,’ the owner replied. ‘Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.’

Signs you’re living in 2007

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list


Sport and Gym Jokes

Here’s some good sport one-liners:

When Chuck Norris does a Bodyrev Perfect Pushup, he’s not pushing himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Mike Tyson‘s motto: Can’t beat um…Eat um!!!!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck

and last but not least, here are ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

  • The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you’re up against him.
  • The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
  • The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
  • The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
  • If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker’s father will be a lawyer.
  • After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
  • After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
  • In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
  • No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it’s your turn.

Before you buy a house

If Hollywood has taught us anything about house buying in creepy films you should check:

  • The house was not built on ancient Indian? burial ground
  • No one died in the bath
  • If its a mansion and its been sold at a fraction of its real value, its probably haunted
  • The house was not built on the ground of? an ancient orphanage. According to Hollywood bad things usually happen here and there will be ghosts
  • The house was not built on the grounds of an old hospital, ghosts of dead patients.
  • Find out if the previous occupants are still alive
  • Find out if the previous occupants had a tendency to go crazy with chainsaws
  • Check the basement for a doomsday door or well with a crazy creature inside it.
  • Check if anyone of the previous occupants were burnt alive for witchcraft. She/He will probably haunt you.
  • If your dog, cat, mouse or what ever creature you have acts strange in the house or barks/squeaks at thin air don’t buy it, its probably haunted.
  • If your kids suddenly start having imaginary friends they never had before that ask them to climb on the roof of the house, its probably haunted.
  • If your kid finds a strange scary looking doll at the new house and starts acting strange take it away leave it in the house and run. Its probably haunted.

Bat accident

Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. ‘Let’s go and find some blood’, he suggests.

‘I don’t think you can get any blood this time of the day’, says the other bat.

‘Well, I want some blood and I want it now!’, says the first bat and prepares to take off. ‘Are you coming or what?’

‘Don’t be stupid, you’ll just waste your time’, says the second bat.

So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face. ‘Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?’, asks the second bat.

‘Well, do you see that tree out there?’, says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave, ‘Do you see that tree?’

‘Yes’, says the second bat, ‘of course I see it’.

‘Well, I didn’t’, replies the first.