My friend’s sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted an elaborate wedding. The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception.
Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation.
Family and friends were surprised to read: ‘Conception immediately following the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn.
‘Everyone is invited.’
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy birthday”.
I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, “Good morning boss, happy birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me”.
I said, “Thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”
I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”
She said, “Let’s go to my apartment”.
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back”.
“OK”, I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked…
| Morris asked his ten-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. ‘I don’t want to know!’ the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. ‘Oh Dad,’ he sobbed, ‘at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!’ |
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: –
We will no longer accept a doctor‘s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: –
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: –
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
YOUR OWN DEATH: –
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practices of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve the exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHEQUE DEDUCTIONS: –
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychques;
Item Amount
Gross pay £1,222.02
Income tax £ 244.40
Outgo tax £45.21
State tax £11.61
Interstate tax £61.10
County tax £6.11
City tax £12.22
Rural tax £4.44
Back tax £1.11
Front tax £1.16
Side tax £1.61
Up tax £2.22
Tic-Tacs £1.98
Thumbtacks £ 3.93
Carpet tacks £0.98
Stadium tax £0.69
Flat tax £8.32
Surtax £3.46
Corporate tax £2.60
Parking fee £5.00
F.I.C.A. £81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund £9.95
Life insurance £5.85
Health insurance £16.23
Dental insurance £4.50
Mental insurance £4.33
Reassurance £0.11
Disability £2.50
Ability £0.25
Liability £3.41
Unreliability £10.99
Coffee £6.85
Coffee cups £66.51
Floor rental £16.85
Chair rental £0.32
Desk rental £4.32
Union dues £5.85
Union don’ts £3.77
Cash advance £0.69
Cash retreats £121.35
Overtime £1.26
Undertime £54.83
Eastern time £9.00
Central time £8.00
Mountain time £7.00
Pacific time £6.00
Time out £12.21
Oxygen £10.02
Water £16.54
Heat £51.42
Cool air £26.83
Hot air £20.00
Miscellaneous £113.29
Sundry £12.09
Various £ 8.01
Net take home pay £0.02
Thank you for you loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
‘It’s a period,’ reported Johnnie.
‘Well I can see that,’ she said. ‘But what is so exciting about a period?’
‘Damned if I know,’ said Johnnie, ‘but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and Uncle Joe shot himself.’
Google has done it once again with this product! I was up and running in seconds with this brand new way of getting broadband and its a hell of a lot faster than cable or dsl take a look at Google TiSP! Note houses that are not connected to the local SS system will not be able to receive this service and you may need an adaptor fitted in yor bathroom so you can use the toilet at the same time.