Author: Rory

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: –
We will no longer accept a doctor‘s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: –
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: –
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

YOUR OWN DEATH: –
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practices of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve the exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHEQUE DEDUCTIONS: –
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychques;

Item Amount
Gross pay £1,222.02
Income tax £ 244.40
Outgo tax £45.21
State tax £11.61
Interstate tax £61.10
County tax £6.11
City tax £12.22
Rural tax £4.44
Back tax £1.11
Front tax £1.16
Side tax £1.61
Up tax £2.22
Tic-Tacs £1.98
Thumbtacks £ 3.93
Carpet tacks £0.98
Stadium tax £0.69
Flat tax £8.32
Surtax £3.46
Corporate tax £2.60
Parking fee £5.00
F.I.C.A. £81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund £9.95
Life insurance £5.85
Health insurance £16.23
Dental insurance £4.50
Mental insurance £4.33
Reassurance £0.11
Disability £2.50
Ability £0.25
Liability £3.41
Unreliability £10.99
Coffee £6.85
Coffee cups £66.51
Floor rental £16.85
Chair rental £0.32
Desk rental £4.32
Union dues £5.85
Union don’ts £3.77
Cash advance £0.69
Cash retreats £121.35
Overtime £1.26
Undertime £54.83
Eastern time £9.00
Central time £8.00
Mountain time £7.00
Pacific time £6.00
Time out £12.21
Oxygen £10.02
Water £16.54
Heat £51.42
Cool air £26.83
Hot air £20.00
Miscellaneous £113.29
Sundry £12.09
Various £ 8.01

Net take home pay £0.02

Thank you for you loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

‘It’s a period,’ reported Johnnie.

‘Well I can see that,’ she said. ‘But what is so exciting about a period?’

‘Damned if I know,’ said Johnnie, ‘but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and Uncle Joe shot himself.’

Google has done it once again with this product! I was up and running in seconds with this brand new way of getting broadband and its a hell of a lot faster than cable or dsl take a look at Google TiSP! Note houses that are not connected to the local SS system will not be able to receive this service and you may need an adaptor fitted in yor bathroom so you can use the toilet at the same time.

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

‘I’m afraid not, Sir,’ the clerk told him, apologetically, ‘but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.’

Skeptical, but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted 50 cents, stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later, the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he had ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, ‘Manicures – 25 cents.’

‘Why not,’ thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot and pulled them out, perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, ‘This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives – cost 50 cents.’

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around, he put in 50 cents, then with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks, he unzipped his pants and stuck his ‘thing’ into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out this terrible shriek of agony!!! Fifteen seconds later, it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his ‘thingy,’ which now had a button sewed on the tip.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the? first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those

of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually

? have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a

? parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food

? critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.
? Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry

? Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

? happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions

? to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two

? judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides,

? they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.
? Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

? CURRY # 1 – SEELAN’S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY…

? Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

? Judge # 2 — Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

? Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could

? remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

? flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.
? CHILI # 2 – PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY…

? Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

? Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

? seriously.

? Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what

? I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted

? to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they

? saw? the look on my face.
? CURRY # 3 – SHAMILA’S FAMOUS “BURN DOWN THE GARAGE” CURRY…

? Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

? Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

? Judge # 3 — Call 911. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

? I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

? me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

? backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting p*ssed from all the beer.
? CHILI # 4 – BABOO’S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY…

? Judge # 1 — Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other

? mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

? to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the? ? beermaid,

? was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to

look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
? CHILI # 5 LALL’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…

? Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

? considerable kick. Very impressive.

? Judge # 2 — Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the

? chili peppers make a strong statement.

? Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

? can no longer focus my eyes. I f*rted and four people behind me needed

? paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

? chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips

? off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop

? screaming. Scr*w them
CHILI # 6 – VERISHNEE’S VEGETARIAN VARIETY…

? Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of

? spices and peppers.

? Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

? garlic. Superb.

? Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

? sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I f*rt and I’m

? worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

? behind me except that Shareen. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my

? a*s with a snow cone ice cream.
CHILI # 7 – SELINA’S “MOTHER-IN-LAW’S-TONGUE” CURRY…

? Judge # 1 — A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

? Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili

? peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am

? worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is

? cursing uncontrollably).

? Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

? wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

? like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid

? unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.

? At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to

? stop breathing – it’s too painful. Scr*w it; I’m not getting any oxygen

anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

? stomach.
? CHILI # 8 – NAIDOO’S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY…

? Judge # 1 — The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too

? bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild

? nor? hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed

out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if

? he’s going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot

curry?

? Judge # 3 – No Report