Things to do at Walmart?

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 2-minute intervals.
3 Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4 Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘Code 3’ in housewares and see what happens.
5 Go the Customer Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.
6 Move a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7 Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8 When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9 Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10 While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11 Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12 In the auto department, practice your “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13 Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say “PICK ME!”
14 When an announcement comes over the loud speaker,assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
15. Go to checkout and pay for your shopping with a stack of Vista Print coupons
16 Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”

Things not to say during childbirth

— Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

— Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

— I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

— If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

— That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

— When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

— You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

— This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

— Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

— Stop your swearing and just breathe.

— Shall I start unwrapping the baby gifts while we wait?

— Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.

— Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.