“I bought some batteries… but they weren’t included… so I had to buy them again…”
“One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building… I turned it… and the whole building started up…. So I drove it around…. A policeman stopped me for going too fast… He said, ‘Where do you live?’… I said, ‘Right here’… Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.”
“If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”
“I saw a close friend of mine the other day… He said ‘Stephen, why haven’t you called me.”… I said, “I can’t call everyone I want… my (new) phone has no ‘five’ on it.”… He said, “How long have you had it?”… I said, “I don’t know… my calendar has no ‘seven’s on it.”
“I have a map of the united states …. it’s original size … it says one mile equals one mile.”
“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”
“I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…”
Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my cheap eyeglasses ran out ….
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.
I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say “What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!”
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said “the whole time”.
One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.
What’s another word for thesaurus?