Category: Jokes

IT Helpdesk calls

User’s new notebook PC has a wireless network card. He loves it – for a day or so, until the battery goes dead. “Did you plug it into a power outlet to charge it?” asks systems administrator. “No,” says sales guy impatiently. “It’s wireless, why would I?”

Accounting department reports that the backup tape for a server won’t stay in. Tech geek tries, and runs a backup without a problem – but the next day the complaint is back. “We asked them to show us the problem, but they were too busy to stop and work with us,” tech says. “This went on for weeks until accounting submitted a purchase order to hire a consultant. He came out and watched as our accountant inserted a cleaning tape into the drive – and a few seconds later it popped out. Consultant made a big label that said CLEANING TAPE, explained to the accountant that she needs to back up her data on one of the tapes that does not say CLEANING TAPE on it, and billed us $150.”

Help desk worker gets a puzzling question from a user: Can she send e-mail to a company in the U.K.? She explained that she tried to e-mail some people in the U.K. and the e-mail came back. She was under the impression that e-mail was like the phone system, and since she couldn’t make an international call, she couldn’t send an international e-mail.”

I can’t connect with the network, remote user tells help desk. “After several minutes of troubleshooting, it was clear that the problem was the user’s modem, which basically died,” tech reports. Impatient user’s next question: “Where can I download another modem?”

User’s PC hard drive is damaged, but support tech manages to recover the files in key directories and copies them to a new drive. Still, user is furious: “Where the @#$%! are all my files? Did you wipe drive for me?” “Where were the files that are missing now?” technician asks. “I used to save them in that cute can. I use those files a lot, and that icon says ‘Recycle,’ so I thought it was a good place to put the files that I reuse often.”

Newly hired user to IT manager: “My mouse pad is missing. Do you have another?” No, but you can get an office supply catalog from purchasing, pick out one you like and have them order it. New hire leaves, only to return minutes later: “My boss says you have to order me a mouse pad. She says you’re the only one who knows what kind is compatible with our system.”

Where in the world …?

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude
and spots a man fishing from a boat below.

She shouts to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man consults his portable gps equipment and replies, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, “You must be a Republican!”

“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answers the balloonist, “everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’re not much help to me.”

The man smiles and responds, “You must be a Democrat.” “I am,” replies the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”

Female Dentist

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. “No way!  No needles. I hate needles” the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says:” I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!’ The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill. “No objection,”  he says. “I’m fine with pills.” The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them. “What are they?” he says. “Viagra,” says the dentist. “Heck,”   the patient says, “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer.” “It doesn’t” said the dentist, “But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”

It’s all about the watch ..

An Italian parks his brand new BMW in front of the office, just down the street from Casa Napoli, to show it off to his bros. As he’s getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding away.

More than a little distraught, the Italian grabs his cell and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive . Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Italian starts screaming hysterically:

“My BMW, my beautiful black BMW is ruined !!!! No matter how long at the body shop it’ll never be the same again!”

After the Italian finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust, looking at one of those citizen watches on his wrist: “I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody Italians are,” he says.”You guys are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.”

“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” snaps the Italian.

The policeman replies, “Didn’t you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.” ?

The Italian looks down in absolute horror. “HOLY S…….!!!!!! he screams……..”Where’s my f * in’ Rolex ????…

Snow

Lady goes on vacation to Jamaica.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, ‘What is your name?’

‘I can’t tell you,’ the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can’t tell her. On her last night there she asks again ‘Can you please tell me your name?’

‘I can’t tell you my name because you will laugh at me.’ says the black man.

‘There is no reason for me to laugh at you,’  the lady says.

‘Fine, my name is Snow!’  the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, ‘ I knew you would make fun of it’.

The  lady replied, ‘I’m not making fun of your name. I’m  thinking of my husband who won’t believe me when I  tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica.

The Jazz Drummer

In New York City, an out of work yamaha cp50 and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.

Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard–wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent’s card and Faisal’s face brightened into a huge smile.

“You’re just in time–I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment.”

“But,” gasped Ed, “what about a rehearsal?”

“No time–don’t worry.” And with that, Faisal disappeared.

Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.

“Wait.” shouted Ed. “What are we playing?”

Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, “Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13.”

Some SEO jokes

I came across some SEO jokes recently. Check out if you like them:

  • How many SEO specialists does it take to change a lightbulb, light_bulb, light-bulb, light.bulb, light bulb ?
  • SEOs are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing, even if there was a promise of Best Joomla Web Hosting.
  • What did the SEO do on his honeymoon? A: He put a “nofollow” outside the door.
  • What does BLOG stand for? A Better Listing On Google.
  • What does an evangelist drink out of when partying hard? A conversion funnel.
  • What do you call driving into London? Paid traffic.
  • Old SEOs never die, they just lose their rankings.

Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

You will need the following; a cup of water, a cup of sugar, flour, 4 large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. (This ain’t one of those tailgating recipes)

Sample the whiskey and check the quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon uice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar of something. Whatever you find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Don’t fart in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Even getting a new bed from DayBeds.com didn’t make any difference. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.