Category: Jokes

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. “T-Square, do your stuff.”
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better and said: “Slide Rule, do your stuff.”
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was
good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said: “Measure, do your stuff.”
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The Government Worker called to his dog and said: “Coffee Break, do your stuff!”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers’ Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.

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An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” the Italian says, “Data easy.” and he proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine,” says the Italian.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
(You’re going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I a start?”

Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, ‘DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!’ posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register. He asked the store’s owner, ‘Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?’ ‘Yep,’ the proprietor answered. ‘That’s him.’ The stranger couldn’t help being amused. ‘That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me,’ he chuckled. ‘Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?’ ‘Because,’ the owner replied. ‘Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.’

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Here’s some good sport one-liners:

When Chuck Norris does a Bodyrev Perfect Pushup, he’s not pushing himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Mike Tyson‘s motto: Can’t beat um…Eat um!!!!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck

and last but not least, here are ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

• The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you’re up against him.
• The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
• The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
• The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
• If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker’s father will be a lawyer.
• After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
• After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
• In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
• No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it’s your turn.

If Hollywood has taught us anything about house buying in creepy films you should check:

• The house was not built on ancient Indian? burial ground
• No one died in the bath
• If its a mansion and its been sold at a fraction of its real value, its probably haunted
• The house was not built on the ground of? an ancient orphanage. According to Hollywood bad things usually happen here and there will be ghosts
• The house was not built on the grounds of an old hospital, ghosts of dead patients.
• Find out if the previous occupants are still alive
• Find out if the previous occupants had a tendency to go crazy with chainsaws
• Check the basement for a doomsday door or well with a crazy creature inside it.
• Check if anyone of the previous occupants were burnt alive for witchcraft. She/He will probably haunt you.
• If your dog, cat, mouse or what ever creature you have acts strange in the house or barks/squeaks at thin air don’t buy it, its probably haunted.
• If your kids suddenly start having imaginary friends they never had before that ask them to climb on the roof of the house, its probably haunted.
• If your kid finds a strange scary looking doll at the new house and starts acting strange take it away leave it in the house and run. Its probably haunted.

Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. ‘Let’s go and find some blood’, he suggests.

‘I don’t think you can get any blood this time of the day’, says the other bat.

‘Well, I want some blood and I want it now!’, says the first bat and prepares to take off. ‘Are you coming or what?’

‘Don’t be stupid, you’ll just waste your time’, says the second bat.

So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face. ‘Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?’, asks the second bat.

‘Well, do you see that tree out there?’, says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave, ‘Do you see that tree?’

‘Yes’, says the second bat, ‘of course I see it’.

‘Well, I didn’t’, replies the first.

My friend’s sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted an elaborate wedding. The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception.

Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation.

Family and friends were surprised to read: ‘Conception immediately following the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn.

‘Everyone is invited.’

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy birthday”.

I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn’t say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, “Good morning boss, happy birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me”.

I said, “Thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment”.

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back”.

“OK”, I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked…