Category: Jokes

It’s all about technique

A German approaches a prostitute. “I vish to buy sex viz you.”

“OK,” says the girl, “I charge 20 an hour.”

“..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.”

“No problem,” she replies, “I can do that.” So they go to the girl’s place, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

“I vant zat you tie ze springs springs to each of your hans und knees.” The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said.

“Now you vill get on your hans und knees.” She does this, balancing on the springs.
“please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.” She finds it odd, but figures it’s harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to speak. “What do you call that position?”

He says: “It’s the four-sprung duck technique.”

Enhanced by Zemanta

Jesus and the parrot

A burglar is stalking stealthily around the living room of the house he’s just broken into. He jumps with fright when he suddenly hears a voice behind him saying “Croaoak, beware, Jesus watches you”

He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight in to direction the voice comes from and sees what indeed the voice had made him think once he was over his first fright: a parrot. The bird repeats “Croaoak, beware, Jesus watches you”

The burglar walks up to the cage and asks “And what may your name be? The parrot answers “Coco.” The burglar sniggers and says “I’ve always found that a very stupid name for a parrot.” The parrot answers “Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a Pitbull terrier”

Enhanced by Zemanta

Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. Loads of dog beds out there.

DROOL: A liquid that, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get drool on the human.

SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!” especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn’t get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.

CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning, ” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. ”

“Go away!” said the old lady. “My house already has a whole house hepa filters and I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

Bio Personals

I’ve been single-stranded too long! Lonely ATGCATG would like to pair up with congenial TACGTAC.

Menage a trois! Ligand seeks two receptors into binding and mutual phosphorylation. Let’s get together and transduce some signals.

Some dates have called me a promotor. Others have referred to me as a real operator. Personally, I think I’m just a cute piece of DNA who is still looking for that special transcription factor to help me unwind.

Highly sensitive, orally active small molecule seeks stable well-structured receptor who knows size isn’t everything.

There must be a rational way to meet a date! I’m tired of hanging out in those molecular diversity bars, hoping to randomly bump into the right peptide. I want a molecule that will fit right into my active site and really turn me on. I’ll send you my crystal structure if you send me yours!

Gene therapy graduate. After years of producing nothing but gibberish, I’ve shed my exons and am ready to express my introns. All I need is a cute vector to introduce me to the right host.

My RNA, I’m sorry I misread your UAAUAAUAA and inserted three tyrosines when you repeatedly asked me to stop. Something got lost in the translation. Please forgive me.

Naked DNA with sticky ends seeks kanamycin-resistant plasmid. EcoR1 sites preferred.

Uninhibited virus seeks reason to make me shed my coat protein.

This very selective oliogonucleotide has been probing for just the right target for long term hybridization.

Mature t-cell-15 seeks same who still enjoys cycling and won’t go apoptotic on me. Let’s fight senescence together!

I’m a prolific progenitor with great potential for growth and self-renewal. Call me if you’re a potent hematopoietic factor who still believes in endless nights of colony stimulation.

I don’t always express myself on the surface, but I’m looking for a signal that you appreciate my complexity. Send me the right message that will penetrate my membranes, turn on my protein expression and release my potential energy.

Heaven and Hell

A property manager dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells him “You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding.” So he chooses to check out hell first.

He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and doing the limbo (and nobody’s doing the Macarena!). Everyone is laughing and having a great time.

Next St. Peter takes him up to heaven to look around. Everything is white and pristine. People are speaking softly about philosophy and mathematical formulas. Others are simply contemplative and serene. He’s bored in about five minutes.

St. Peter then says to the property manager, who was an expert on real estate jacksonville nc property, “I want you to sleep on it and meet me back here in the morning to let me know your decision.” The next morning he comes back and says to St. Peter, “Heaven is very nice and all, but hell looks great, so I’ve decided that I want to go to hell”. So St. Peter puts him on the escalator down to hell.

When he gets there he sees Satan whipping people and there’s fire everywhere and everyone is screaming in pain. So he goes over to Satan and says “Hey, what gives here? Yesterday I came here to check the place out and everyone had me partying and it looked like a great time. What happened?”

Satan looks at him and says “You used to be a property manager so you ought to know the answer to your own question. Yesterday you were a prospect. Today you’re just another resident!”

Enhanced by Zemanta

The magician’s assistant

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain’s parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: ‘Look, it’s not the same hat. Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?’ The magician was furious and almost ended up chewing on the best headset microphone but, as it was the captain’s parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: ‘OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?’

Enhanced by Zemanta

The angry wife …

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.

When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.

After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: ‘How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?’ He replied: ‘That would be fine with me.’ Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Why most computer programmers smoke …

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says “Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”

“That’s OK” says the guy, puffing casually “I’m a computer programmer”

“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”

“We don’t care about warnings. We only care about errors.”

Enhanced by Zemanta

The Tunnel

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on their way to a business reporting software convention. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”