Month: March 2013

Dynamite

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was “war”.
The first person comes up onto the stage and says, “I’m an atomic bomb.” He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, “I’m a hydrogen bomb.” Again, there’s applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage, all pink in the stage lights and says, “I’m dynamite.”

Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, “Didn’t you see how small his fuse was?”

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Why most computer programmers smoke …

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says “Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”

“That’s OK” says the guy, puffing casually “I’m a computer programmer”

“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”

“We don’t care about warnings. We only care about errors.”

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The Tunnel

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on their way to a business reporting software convention. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”

Silver Bar

This fellow comes home from a bar and is very drunk. His wife asks him where he was and he replies that he was at a bar that had Silver Carpet, Silver Curtains, Silver Shot Glasses and even a Silver Urinal. His wife told him to go to bed as he was drunk, and that no bar has a Silver Urinal, so he went to bed.

She got to wondering where he was that night, whether he really was at a silver bar, so she called the 1st bar and asked bartender if they had Silver Carpet, which he replied “No!” So, she called the 2nd bar and asked if they had a Silver Carpet, and the bartender also said “No, they didn’t.”

As a last resort, she called the last bar and asked the same question. The bartender answered back saying “Yes! We even have Silver Curtains and Silver Shot Glasses.” His wife asked the bartender if she could ask him one more question. He said “Go for it.” She asked him if they happened to have a Silver Urinal, then she could hear the bartender holler “Hey, Mac! Take the other line, I think we have a lead on that guy who pissed in the Saxophone.”

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In an emergency …

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn’t believe it! They’re dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

“What’s going on here?”

“My car has a flat tire,” I said calmly.

“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So I told him, “Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”

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Selling your old car

A blonde was trying to sell her old car but was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day she told her problem to a brunette that she worked with. The brunette told her: “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell the car.”

“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop which specilises in toyota parts, but he does other stuff too. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.” The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde: “Did you sell your car?”

“No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

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Some Chevy jokes

Q. How do you make a Chevy accelerate 0-60 mph in less than 15 seconds?
A. Push it off a cliff.

Q. What is found on the last two pages of every Chevy’s owners manual?
A. The bus schedule.

Q. What did the auto parts counterman say when the customer said, “I’ll take a set of wiper blades for my Chevy”?
A. Sounds like a fair trade.

Q. What do you call a Chevy at the top of a hill?
A. A miracle?

Q. What do you call a Chevy with brakes?
A. Customized.

Q. How do you make a Chevy go faster down hill?
A. Turn the engine off.

Q. Why don’t Chevy’s sustain much damage in front end collisions?
A. The*tow truck*takes most of the impact.

(As you probably can gather, you can use those for any make you wish) 🙂

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Ten reasons to leave your truck in primer

10. You can wash it with Comet.

9. You don’t have to buy one of those cover for trucks.

8. You can buy primer at the grocery store and paint your truck in the parking lot.

7. You can park your truck anywhere without worrying about getting door dings.

6. You can stand on the roof and get a good look at what’s going on around you.

5. You don’t have to worry as much about it getting stolen.

4. You don’t have to spend sleepless nights trying to decide what color to paint it.

3. If you forget lawn chairs, you can sit on the fenders.

2. You don’t have to do the bodywork until you’re good and ready.

1. You can use a pencil to do your pinstriping, lettering or graphics. If you need to remember a phone number, you can write it on the fender.

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