A newly divorced woman …

The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a “man’s world” there. Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of purchases, including tools, toggle bolts and all sort of other bits she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind him she discovered she hadn’t bought any files.

She pointed to one and said “May I have one of those ?” The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, “What… one of those bastards ?”

Without a pause, she said, “Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of those Son-of-a-Bitches next to ’em too.”

Scottish Pragmatism

A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Doctor shouted to them, “I’ve never seen such poor golf!”

The Scotsman chimed in, “Och aye! We ha’ been waitin’ for nigh on fifteen minutes!”

The Businessman called out, “Move it on you guys, time is money.”

The Priest said, “Here comes George the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

“Hello, George!” said the Priest, “What’s wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

George the green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes.. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to.”

The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said, 
“That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The Doctor said, 
“Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there’s anything they can do for them.”

The Businessman replied, 
“I think I’ll donate £50,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls.”

And the Scotsman said, 
“Why kin they no play at night?