Month: October 2011

Two Irishmen meet a Swiss tourist

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside a Sferra shop when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, ‘Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?’

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

‘Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?’ He tries.

The two continue to stare.

‘Parlare Italiano?’ Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

‘Hablan ustedes Espanol?’ The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, ‘Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!’

‘Why?’ says the youth, ‘That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good!’

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The best tablets

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.

“Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, no,” replies the nurse, “I gave him eight tablets every two hours! They were the Best tablet online I could find.”

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.

“Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?”

“Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour,” replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life.

“Nurse,” asks the doctor, “did you prick his boil?”

“OH MY GOODNESS!” replies the nurse.

It’s all about the eyesight ..

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning clutching my walmart coupons, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

Elephant Jokes

What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.

What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
Cold ones.

What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Nothing. Peanuts can’t talk.

How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants?
Nothing. He didn’t recognise them because they were wearing julbo sunglasses.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a computer?
A lot of memory.

How can you tell if an elephant checked out a library book before you did?
When you open it, peanut shells fall out.

Why does an elephant use his trunk as a bookmark?
That way he always nose where he stopped reading.

Why did the elephant wear green tennis shoes?
His white ones were in the wash.

What do an elephant and a plum have in common?
They are both purple, except for the elephant.

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