Month: February 2010

How you know you’re a high tech worker

It’s dark when you drive to and from work.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

You learn about your layoff on CNN.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Your supervisor hasn’t the ability to do your job assignment.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital without any internet satellite connection.

All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.

10% of the people you work with (boss included) — knows what they do.

Vacation is something you rollover to next year.

Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers” or “does something with satellites”

You read this entire list and understood it

Letter to wife – a computer addict

Dear Wife….I’m sending you this email to bring up to date on the events of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would BRB…..whatever that means. So, I decided to send you this email.

John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He’s the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when he hears the Ut Oh sound? Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off.

Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them. Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you’ve forgotten her, she’s the one who has you raise your feet when she’s running the sweeper.

Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He’s the one who empties your porta potty for you.

Lets see…..since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator had to be replaced, your mother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the color), the church has a new pastor, the President has been impeached, and oh yes….. I have a new job.

Well, I think that’s about it. I’ll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all “miss” you very much and will see you the next time the power goes off or the high speed satellite internet is down!

Love, Your Husband

Care and feeding of your computer

I’ve been working on a project at orange country computer support to ensure all our end users know how to back up data in preparation for company wide computer upgrades. I’m tempted to hand this out to some of our users.

  1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
  2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
  3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. “Big” diskettes may be folded and used in “little” disk drives.
  4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
  5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data needs to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive whenever you update a document; the data will be recorded on both diskettes.
  6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a “hung” or “hooked” state. If your system is “hooking” you, you will probably need to insert several dollars before being allowed to access the disk drive.
  7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data (“data compression“) enough to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Caught in a clothes shop

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a dress from an exclusive women’s clothing store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the dress, and we forget about this?”

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

Saving you your holiday

I came across a funny video down at Vacation Rental.org. Check it out:

The video is about a “super hero” who “saves” a family from booking a room in a hotel by making them take a vacation rental instead. Basically for half the price of a hotel room, you can stay in your own apartment, in your own luxury and space. I like the way the ad makes use of humor to make the message stick; even though the hero is a bit pathetic. One thing’s for sure: next time I think about taking some sort of holiday, this vacation rental commercial is going to haunt me like a sticky ghost.

Ooops

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter; they didn’t usually do health travel, but it was REALLY cold. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been ‘called home to glory’ following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!
I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

Shelly