Day: December 5, 2008

Murphy’s Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you’re up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker’s father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours stuffed full with smelly MMA gear.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it’s your turn.

36 rules for bands

  • Never start a trio with a married couple.
  • Your manager’s not helping you. Fire him/her.
  • Before you sign a record deal, look up the word “recoupable” in the dictionary.
  • No one cares who you’ve opened for.
  • A string section does not make your songs sound any more “important”.
  • If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it’s time to break up.
  • When you talk on stage you are never funny.
  • If you sound like another band, don’t act like you’re unfamiliar with their music (“Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?”)
  • Asking a crowd how they’re doing is just amplified small talk. Don’t do it.
  • Don’t say your video’s being played if it’s only on live event video streaming.
  • When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention “artistic freedom” and “a guaranteed 3 record deal”.
  • When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
  • Never name a song after your band.
  • Never name your band after a song.
  • When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
  • Never enter a “battle of the bands” contest. If you do you’re already a loser.
  • Learn to recognize scary word pairings: “rock opera”, “white rapper”, “blues jam”, “swing band”, “open mike”, etc.
  • Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
  • Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it’s rock ‘n’ roll, not a soccer game. They’ve gotta stop coming to your shows.
  • It’s not a “showcase”. It’s a gig that doesn’t pay.
  • No one cares that you have a web site.
  • Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
  • Don’t hire a publicist.
  • Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn’t mean you’re on tour.
  • Don’t join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don’t join a cover band.
  • Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
  • Don’t stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That’s what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
  • If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
  • We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
  • Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
  • If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
  • Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
  • Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
  • Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
  • Rock oxymorons; “major label interest”, “demo deal”,” blues genius”, “$500 guarantee”, and “Fastball’s second hit”.
  • 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b)headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

So, how many have YOU broken?