Little Billy was left to fix lunch and his mum asked for green tea before she went out. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Billy had already strained the tea.
“Did you find the tea strainer?” His mother asked.
“No mother, I couldn’t find it, so I used the fly swatter.”
His mother nearly fainted, so he hastily added, “Don’t get so excited Mother, I used an old one.”
Well most of us aren’t. If you’re looking for an excuse to get out of the cleaning, try some of the reasons not to clean below:
Did you know that MP3 players where among the first gadgets taken to the moon? Here’s the story:
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found an MP3 recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the MP3 to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, “Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order “That will be £8.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke. “The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.
“Same,” says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ” That will be £43.62.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million pounds or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want.
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there ,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “What ’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, shook his head and answered ….
“My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say”
Guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and says hello.
He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from, so he says “do you know me?”
To which she replies “I think your the father of one of my kids.”
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my a$$ with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?”.
She says “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”
Farmer John was injured when a truck hit his pick-up, and he filed a truck accident lawsuit against the driver who hit him. When the case went to trial, the truck driver’s big city lawyer questioned farmer John.”After the accident, did you not say to the sheriff’s deputy, ‘I’m fine’?” asked the lawyer.
Farmer John answered, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….”
“I did not ask you about your mule,” the lawyer interrupted, “I asked you about your statement to the sheriff’s deputy. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”
Farmer John answered, “Like I was saying, I loaded Bessie into the trailer, and I hitched it to my pick-up truck….”
The lawyer angrily turned to the judge. “Your honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the sheriff’s deputy on the scene that he was just fine. Now, many months after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. If his case is not a fraud, he should be able to answer my question with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
The judge, somewhat curious about the mule, responded, “Let’s hear what he has to say. If he doesn’t get around to answering your question, we’ll deal with it after we find out about Bessie.”
Farmer John thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, Bessie was in my trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge truck ran the stop sign and smacked my truck. My pick-up went into the ditch, and the trailer tipped over. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and I knew that she was in a bad way, but I was hurtin’ real bad and I couldn’t even move. Then, the deputy came, and he could hear Bessie, so he went over to her. He looked at her for a moment, then he took out his gun and he shot her right between the eyes. Then the deputy came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked me right in the eyes, and asked, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. “T-Square, do your stuff.”
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better and said: “Slide Rule, do your stuff.”
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was
good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said: “Measure, do your stuff.”
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The Government Worker called to his dog and said: “Coffee Break, do your stuff!”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers’ Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.
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An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” the Italian says, “Data easy.” and he proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine,” says the Italian.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
(You’re going to love this one!!!)
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I a start?”