The Clintons go on holiday

Last summer, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to check on their shipping boxes and fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary’s high school love.

They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.”

She smirked and replied, “No, if I had stayed with him, he would have been President of the United States.”

Any good at chess?

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen, do you give him pet supplements or any special training?”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

Blonde Jokes

She was so blonde that

  • She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
  • She tripped over the cordless phone.
  • She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
  • She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  • She put a piece of paper on the T.V she thought she had live Pay Per View.
  • At the bottom of the application where is says “Sign here”, she wrote Sagittarius.
  • If she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
  • When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
  • She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
  • She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said “Concentrate”.

A teenager is …

A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver’s license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study, things like music, the best acne cure, and why he shouldn’t have to mow the lawn.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

At the gym

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1
They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the ellipticals. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great

Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse.

Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6
Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7
Well, that’s the week. Thank goodness that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist’s.

What is an appraiser?

An appraiser is one who compiles and analyzes voluminous data of problematical accuracy from sources of dubious veracity and derives therefrom a numerical quantification of unquestionable necessity, analogous to a nebulous and euphemistic concept representational of value commensurate with ambient configurations of the open market and promulgates thereby a precise written declamation which delineates his observation, deliberations and conclusions all done while he feigns absolute ignorance of the avaricious machinations of Buyers, Sellers, Brokers and Lenders, compensated only by that penurious stipend known as the professional fee.

Top 10 Reason to Become An Appraiser

10. Dazzle your friends with your knowledge of external obsolescence.
9. The wonderful world of rats, bats, and spiders.
8. Be a part of the profession blamed for the collapse of the savings and loan industry.
7. See places in people’s houses that usually require a search warrant to access (even if they’re Outer Banks rentals).
6. Arouse the suspicion of an entire neighborhood when inspecting comparable sales.
5. Chance to really irritate annoying real estate salespeople.
4. Walk around holding a clipboard just like “Skip” down at the Jiffy Lube.
3. Spend hours writing volumes of supporting documentation to justify the market value of a property you already decided on when you pulled into the driveway.
2. See that some people really do hang those black velveteen pictures of Elvis on their living room walls and who forks out for business satellite internet.
1. Be one of a handful of people who know that USPAP is not a medical term.

Standing in line

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell you are doing?”

“Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor with a certificate from one of those massage therapy schools you hear about and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”

Geeky Joke

A project manager, network engineer and software engineer were in a car heading down a hill when the brakes failed. The driver managed to get it stopped by using the gears and a convenient dirt track.

All four jumped out and after peering under the car the network engineer said, “I see what the problem is and with this Cat5e patch cable I think I can fix it good enough to get us to the next town”. The project manager quickly interrupted, “No, no, no. Before we do anything we need to decide on a vision for our future, figure out a plan and assign individual deliverables”. At which point the software engineer said, “You know what, I think we should push the car back up to the top of the hill and see if it happens again”.

Diet Facts

A diet is a weigh of life.

It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds.

It’s something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don’t gain weight.

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.

Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure bit doubled it.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.

The best way to lose weight is by skipping … snacks and desert.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two…alone.

People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.

A diet is the modern-day meal (taken with Phentermine 37.5 mg) in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.

A diet is what you go on when not only can’t you fit into the store’s dresses, you can’t fit into the dressing room.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you’re thin, don’t eat fast. If you’re fat, don’t eat – FAST.

Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, “the pause that refleshes.”