Enjoy a Stress-free Diet

This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 chocolate biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the chocolate biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream with Choc-ice topping
1 jar nutella

DINNER
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza

LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

N.B. You’ll notice there’s no promise of any weight loss above. I wonder how that would look on my Food Diary.

10 New Diets

You’ve tried Dr. Stillman’s Quick Weight Loss Diet, the Sardine Diet, the Grapefruit Diet, the magic diet pill and more, but you’re still lugging those extra pounds around. What’s a food lover to do? Good news! Ten new diets have just arrived on the scene. One of them is bound to do the trick.

1. The Internet Diet. You lose weight because you’re so addicted to being online, you don’t eat for days at a time.

2. The Fantasy Diet. You eat a Collard Wrap while fantasizing you’re really eating Death by Chocolate.

3. The Play With Your Food Diet. You’re so busy making a castle out of your mashed potatoes, you forget to eat them.

4. The Food Chess Diet. You and a friend play chess using food tidbits as chess pieces. You are only allowed to eat when you capture your friend’s players. You lose the game and you lose weight.

5. The Rolling Table Diet. You sit on a chair on wheels, trying to eat at a table on wheels. The motorized floor under your table is constantly shifting, so you don’t get to eat much, and thus lose weight. (This is similar to The Seasick Diet, but takes place in your own land-lubbing home.)

6. The Fisherman’s Diet. A fisherman holds a pole whose end is attached to a morsel of food in your mouth. Every time your try to bite down on the food, the fisherman pulls the food away.

7. The Puffed Food Diet. All your favorite foods are re-made in the style of puffed wheat or puffed rice. Your Cheese Ravioli is now mostly air, so you don’t gain any weight.

8. The Mock Puffed Food Diet. In this diet, all the foods you like to eat are made of styrofoam, to resemble the Puffed Food Diet. Now you can’t eat the food at all. (You try to, and spit it out.) You really lose weight.

9. The Edible Flowers Diet. You are only allowed to eat edible flowers. You get bored with them and eat nothing, thus lose weight.

10. The Love Diet. You munch playfully on your sweetheart’s hand. You gain no calories; you lose weight. Your sweetheart loses interest in you because s/he preferred you with love handles.

The Crystal Ball

The Acme Company was trying to sell its new computerized crystal ball to a major marketing executive, one who had just finished a pretty successful mover NYC campaign and was looking for a new products to sell. As expected, the executive was quite skeptical.

The Acme sales rep told the executive, ‘Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball.’

The executive typed, ‘Where is my father?’ The crystal ball bleeped and blooped for a short while, and then came back with ‘Your father is fishing in Michigan.’

The executive said to the sales rep, ‘You see? I knew this was BS. My father’s been dead for twenty years.’

‘Hmmmm. Try asking the question in a different way.’

This time the executive typed, ‘Where is my mother’s husband?’

The crystal ball came back with an answer, even more quickly this time than before. ‘Your mother’s husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.’

If women ruled the world

Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season.

Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

‘Ms. Magazine’ would have an annual swimsuits issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men who designed women’s shoes would be forced to wear them.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.

Men would learn phrases like: I’m sorry, I love you, You’re beautiful, Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I’ll take care of the baby, etc.

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can’t pretend to be single.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

Need some Mustang parts?

I’ve just finished speaking to a friend of mine online who spends his time working in a large warehouse sorting through Mustang accessories. He reminded me of this joke:

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his Mustang stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.

A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, “Looks like a bad carburettor to me.” Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.

Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. “Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?” he asked.

The farmer replied, “The brown and white one? Yep, that’s old Bessie.”

The man then said, “Well my car’s broken down, and she just said, ‘Looks like a bad carburettor to me.’

The farmer shook his head and said, “Don’t mind old Bessie, son. She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”

My mate did say that they go through a lot of Mustang carburettors, so I wonder if there’s some naughty cow somewhere responsible for all the sales?

50 ways to mess with people in a computer lab

  1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
  2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
  3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
  4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
  5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it’s set up with.
  6. Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
  7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
  8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
  9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
  10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
  11. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
  12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
  13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
  14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting and chant songs about IT Process Automation.
  15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say “Oops, I forgot.”
  16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
  17. “DISK FIGHT!!!”
  18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
  19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
  20. If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.
  21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
  22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
  23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
  24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
  25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
  26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
  27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
  28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
  29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
  30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
  31. Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!” and continue working.
  32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
  33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, humits note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
  34. Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.
  35. Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
  36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
  37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
  38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
  39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: “Does *your* delete key work?” Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and leave.
  40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
  41. Stare at the person’s next to your’s screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
  42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell “COVEEEEERRRRRR!” peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. “Oh, good. It worked this time,” and calmly start to type again.
  43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
  44. See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you’ve known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you’re a total stranger.
  45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.
  46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.
  47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
  48. Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.
  49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say “Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week”.
  50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

Funny Insurance Claims

Here are a selection of strange but true stories from people filling in their insurance claims. Some were from people who bought car insurance online and others were from paper forms.

  • To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.
  • If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
  • She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.
  • Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
  • Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.
  • There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
  • A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.

Off to vegas

A young sexy blonde was in Las Vegas on one of these Vegas vacations. She had a lovely room with a great view and she spent the first day there watching live event video streaming on a giant TV.

That evening, she was in the casino for about an hour until she felt thirsty. She went to the pop machine in the hall. She put $1.00 in an a Pepsi came out, she put another $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out, she put one last $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out.

A man saw her, and he said: “What are you doing?”

And the sexy blonde said: “Duh!! Winning!!!”

A husband with a computer addiction

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this email communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn’t mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I’m sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn’t be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George–err–Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your laptop computer is booting.

Love,
Your Wife