The Feline Diet

Feet on a scale
Image via Wikipedia

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans, so you don’t even need to get the best fat burner diet out there! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

Storing funny videos

I was asked the other day about how I backup my data and was thinking how my biggest storage requirements (as in big files not biggest requirements) are around videos. The thing about funny videos is that you can find a lot of them online, but I like to keep my personal ones stored at a higher quality, so have to store them myself.

While looking around I came across an external 250Gb drive that’s currently on sale at buy.com. It looks like a great little gadget that I can easily carry around; and it looks really snazzy (does anyone use that word any more?). It’s one of the smaller type of disks (2.5″) that don’t require an additional power adapter but draw their power directly from your USB port. It’s small enough to fit in your pocket and even lets you encrypt the data on the drive so if someone nicks it for you they don’t have all your information.

I can’t stress how important backups can be (and that’s no joke). There’s nothing worse then trying to explain to someone who has lost their data that there’s nothing they can do about it, just start collecting information again. Don’t forget how some data can be priceless .. you know .. people falling off chairs, buckets of water falling on their head …

Jewish Frugality

Votive candle being lit at a cathedral in Brussels

One afternoon, an Inland Revenue Tax Inspector visited the Rabbi of a Synagogue to audit the accounts. When he had finished checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and observed:

“I couldn’t help noticing that you buy rather a lot of candles, Mr Berman”.
“This is a Synagogue,” replied the Rabbi, dryly.
“So what do you do with all the candle drippings?”, asked the Tax Inspector, hoping to catch the Rabbi out.
“We save them up and when we have enough, I send them back to the candle-makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of Votive candle holders or candles.”

The Tax Inspector was visibly disappointed by the Rabbi’s clever answer but was determined to catch him out.
“I see…” he continued obnoxiously, pointing to an entry in the bought ledger. “So what about all these Matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from all these Matzos, eh?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi smoothly, rubbing his hands on one of his nfl jerseys, “Didn’t I show you the crumb box?”
“No.”
“Well, we collect up all the crumbs from the Matzos and put them in a special crumb box. When we have enough we send the box back to the Bakers and every now and then they send us a free pack of Matzos.”

“Bugger!” muttered the Tax Inspector under his breath. He was completely taken aback and racked his brains for anything that would catch the slippery Rabbi out. Finally, he jabbed his finger at the ledger triumphantly. “I see you carry out a great many circumcisions here, Mr Berman.”
“This is a Synagogue,” replied the Rabbi. “What did you expect – breast enlargements?”
“Then perhaps you’d care to explain what you do with all the foreskins?”, continued the Tax Inspector relentlessly.

“That’s easy”, replied the Rabbi. “We save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we send them to the Inland Revenue”.
“The Inland Revenue?” repeated the Tax Inspector in disbelief.
“Who else would send us a little prick like you once a year?”

Children and retirement ..

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

“They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

At their gate, there is one of those dollhouses with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.”

Children are just great aren’t they? Just don’t let them near a PC disaster recovery zone!

The blonde diet

A blonde is terribly overweight and after trying every medication in the book, including Xenical and Hydroxycut hardcore goes to her doctor who puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instruction The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

Secrets to making a marriage last …

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric grow lights and an electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!”, so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”

My wife has stopped the alli diet pill and is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

Put on that tie

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for one of his silk ties and discovers that he just doesn’t have one. He rummages around in the back of his car and amongst a pile of grow lights and plant boxes he spots a set of jumper cables. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says:

“Well, OK, I guess you can come in – just don’t start anything.”

Why we should feel sorry for people in Tech Support

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

Tech Support: “OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.” Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.” Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.” Customer: “What do you mean?” Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.” Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on these memory cards?”

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”

Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?” Tech Support: “Yeah.” Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?” Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.” Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows — because of the icons — I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.” Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to –” Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.” Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet…is ‘little picture’ OK?” Customer: [click]

Customer: “My computer crashed!” Tech Support: “It crashed?” Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.” PC Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.” Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.” Tech Support: “Huh?” Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn’t work.” Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'” Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

Let’s go to Las Vegas

Las Vegas, Nevada / ????? (????)

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband. “To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!”

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. “What do you think you are doing?” she screamed.

“I’m going to Las Vegas NV with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!”

Can cold water clean dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, they sat down at table (really nice modern furniture I must say) and John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather about it, asking, ‘Are these plates clean?’

His grandfather replied, ‘They’re as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, ‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’

Without looking up the old man said, ‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.

John yelled and said, ‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: ‘Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’