I love my office

I love my office and its location –
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love office furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded cell!
There’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers –
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and all its software;
I hug it often though it doesn’t care…
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while!!

I’m happy to be here, I am, I am;
I’m the happiest slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this work: I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my Job – I’ll say it again –
I even love these friendly Men –
These men who’ve come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!!!

Murphy’s Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you’re up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker’s father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours stuffed full with smelly MMA gear.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it’s your turn.

36 rules for bands

  • Never start a trio with a married couple.
  • Your manager’s not helping you. Fire him/her.
  • Before you sign a record deal, look up the word “recoupable” in the dictionary.
  • No one cares who you’ve opened for.
  • A string section does not make your songs sound any more “important”.
  • If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it’s time to break up.
  • When you talk on stage you are never funny.
  • If you sound like another band, don’t act like you’re unfamiliar with their music (“Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?”)
  • Asking a crowd how they’re doing is just amplified small talk. Don’t do it.
  • Don’t say your video’s being played if it’s only on live event video streaming.
  • When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention “artistic freedom” and “a guaranteed 3 record deal”.
  • When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
  • Never name a song after your band.
  • Never name your band after a song.
  • When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
  • Never enter a “battle of the bands” contest. If you do you’re already a loser.
  • Learn to recognize scary word pairings: “rock opera”, “white rapper”, “blues jam”, “swing band”, “open mike”, etc.
  • Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
  • Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it’s rock ‘n’ roll, not a soccer game. They’ve gotta stop coming to your shows.
  • It’s not a “showcase”. It’s a gig that doesn’t pay.
  • No one cares that you have a web site.
  • Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
  • Don’t hire a publicist.
  • Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn’t mean you’re on tour.
  • Don’t join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don’t join a cover band.
  • Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
  • Don’t stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That’s what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
  • If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
  • We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
  • Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
  • If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
  • Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
  • Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
  • Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
  • Rock oxymorons; “major label interest”, “demo deal”,” blues genius”, “$500 guarantee”, and “Fastball’s second hit”.
  • 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b)headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

So, how many have YOU broken?

Some lightbulb jokes

Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three – one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady.

Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.

Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the packaging.

Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.

Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed.
A: 31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether they should join the Lightbulbs Union first and then what to call the new lightbulb – (the Nelson Mandela lightbulb ?), one to put it in…and twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days work…

Q: How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they have their parents do it for them.

Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother?

Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail, and ten to demonstrate on the streets (that’s commercial lighting for you).

Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

Q: How many law students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and announce “Huh ! When I’m around the rulebook gets defenestrated !” and the other to complain about the hipopotamonstrosesqi (can’t remember the end of this word) end of his friend’s last remark.

Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. That’s a second year subject.

Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.

Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it’ll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.

Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it’ll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
A: I don’t know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer’s money, and I’m sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.

Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred; one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren’t chosen.
A: None, pre-meds don’t screw, they study.
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
(Notes: The joke is that getting into med school is extremely competitive.)

Q: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar.

Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are far too busy hacking.

Q: How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is.

You Might Be A Redneck If. . . . . .

You think the last four words of the National Anthem are “Gentleman start your engines!”….

You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can’t remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary….

You’ve ever written Richard Petty’s name on a presidential ballot….

You think heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida….

You have the word NASCAR in your wedding vows….

You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program….

You know who is actually leading the Cup series….

You name your twin boys Jack Daniel & Jim Beam….

Your favorite NASCAR souvenir was a direct result of a crash in turn three….

You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights….

You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can’t remember how old your children are….

You think the most effective form of advertising is on the side of a car going 200 mph…..round and round and round….

You’re not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you sure do like to look at the pictures….

Your wife’s nickname is “Lugnut”….

You regularly see kinfolk on “America’s Most Wanted.” ….

You know the “Back way” to Talladega….

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race…..

Your car burns more oil than gas….

You’ve spent more time on the top of a Winnebago than in one….

You can change a tire faster than you can change a diaper….

You own a Waffle House credit card….

You make engine noises while watching racing on TV….

The word “Bank” makes you think of turn three at Daytona….

Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck….

The Budweiser symbol is your coat of arms ….

Nobody can rebuild an engine like mama….

Your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it….

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center…..

Your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor and install a teryx exhaust kit….

You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part…..

You’ve ever cut your grass and found a car……

If the earrings you gave your wife for Christmas double as fishing lures…..

Blonde paints the kitchen

There was a Blonde and her husband.

One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She’s determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn’t dumb, by painting the kitchen. So she gets some masking tape, covers the windows, kitchen faucets and other furniture with it and gets painting.

When her husband gets home he says to his wife “Honey why do you have 3 coats on?”

The blonde says, “Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results.”

Get those boots on

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the UGG boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,”Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

Her trial starts next month.

Kids at a wedding

Here’s a great joke I heard, which made me think of Arthur:

At a friend’s wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl to come down the aisle. She wasn’t alone, but followed by a little boy carring a ladys and mens wedding bands.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, “I was just trying to be a good ring bear.”

I can just picture him growling at all the guests 😉

Performance Evaluation Quotes

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”

“This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“He would come last even if his jeep had teryx performance kit and his competitors were walking.”

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

“This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

Holiday Romance

A lady goes on vacation after getting one of these famous travel deals to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, “What is your name?”

“I can’t tell you” the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can’t tell her. On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”

” I can’t tell you my name because you will laugh at me.” says the black man.

“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says.

“Fine, my name is Snow!” the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter.

The black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it”.

The lady replied, “I’m not making fun of your name. I’m thinking of my husband who won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of snow everyday in Jamaica!”