How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn’t matter, the light bulb has to really WANT to change.
Decided to follow some cartoon characters: http://tweetburn.com/cartoon-characters/
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch? A. Matt
The good news about meing middle-aged is that the glass is still half full. Bad news is that your teeth will soon be floating in it #joke
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.’
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for their adam golf irons?
A: In the closet, where they’ve been for the last 40 years.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: Gosh, I remember these.
- Mathematician: “I haven’t done anything with them, but I’ve some theories about 2-ness.”
- Physicist: “I’ve tried to balance one on the other, and have some ideas about friction.”
- Engineer: “Er… they broke.”
A priest was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy was very small, wearing one of those NFL Jerseys that was a few sizes too large for him, and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moved across the street and walked up behind the little fellow. Placing his hands kindly on the child’s shoulder, he leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, “And now what, my little man?”
To which the boy replied, “Now we run!”
A blond walked into a store one day looking for a television. She finds the one that she was looking for on a shelf next to a tv stand, so she picks it up and takes it up to the front to pay for it.
The guy working at the cash register looks at her and says “Sorry ma’am, but we don’t sell anything to blonds.” Frustrated, the blond sets the TV down and storms out. She gets an idea, and goes out and buys a brunette wig. The next day, she walks in, grabs the same TV set and takes it up to the cash register. The guy says, “Like I told you yesterday, ma’am, we don’t sell anything to blonds.”
She angrily sets the TV down and storms out. The next day, she walks in with a redhead wig and takes the television up to pay for it. The guy looks at her and says “For the last time, we don’t sell our merchandise to blonds.”
Aggravated, the blond shouts “Well, damnit, why not?” The guy stares at her and replies “Let me put it to you this way,” he points to the TV, “that’s a microwave.”
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and tries to get the attention of a clerk who was sorting out moth traps. Heasks, “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s question?”
The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beaten up?!!”
A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card — unopened — laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red ‘A’ under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
‘Was it the nuns that did it?’, the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, ‘No.’
‘Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?’
‘The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?’
‘Nope,’ said the son. ‘On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the ‘plus sign,’ I just knew they meant business!’