Where’s my Sunday paper?

Front page of the New York Times on Armistice ...

‘WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?’ The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

‘Ma’am,’ said the newspaper employee, ‘today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.’

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, as she was heard to mutter, ‘Well, sh*t… so that’s why no one was at church today!!!

Dumb Crook

This story is reported to the true, but I don’t have independent verification yet. Still, it will go down in urban legend:

A drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a limousine for a big night on the town.

His first stop was at a posh suburban residence to sell some cocaine to a rather influential individual.

Hoping to earn a little extra profit by blackmailing his wealthy customer, the crook handed a hi-def camcorder to the limo driver and asked him to record the event for posterity.

The driver, a an off duty police officer, was happy to comply.

When a quarter is enough

Viagra is a commercial produced medicine conta...
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An old man goes into a drug store. Pottering around, looking at the medicines, weight loss supplements and hair sprays, he finally managed to find the pharmacist and told him he wanted to buy some Viagra

‘Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?’

‘I can cut them for you’ said the pharmacist

‘but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. ‘

‘I’m 96’ said the old man.

‘I don’t want an erection,

I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on my slippers.’

Rules for hunting lawyers

1300.01 GENERAL

  1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
  2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
  3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
  4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
  5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
  6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
  7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
  8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
  9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
  10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, mesothelioma and vermin.
  11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder – 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor – 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator – 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut – 2
5. Honest Attorney – EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat – 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner – 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser – 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender – $100 bounty