You watch too much Wrestling when:

  • On your resume you write “I’m the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be”
  • You call a beer by your name
  • Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs & mandible claws
  • You begin to shake someone’s hand in public, but then hesitate to look for the crowd’s response
  • You tell your significant other, “Not tonight, I’m watching RAW
  • Every time you sit down a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it
  • You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.
  • On a job application, you state your residence as “parts unknown”
  • After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back
  • You clothesline people in the supermarket for no real reason.
  • You elbow smash your dog & turn him/her over for the three count
  • You do heel turns on your best friends for no reason
  • You don’t understand why there are wars when a steel-cage/grudge match would settle everything.
  • Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.
  • Instead of punishing your kids by grounding them, you threaten them with stunners, choke slams & tombstones
  • When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.
  • You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask and your fight gear.
  • You are refereeing a sporting event and just as someone is cheating you turn your head.
  • Your boss fires you and you come back to work and challenge him to a no-holds barred steel-cage wrestling match.

Going to the mechanic

A few days ago, I was getting some polaris rzr parts for my quad and a blonde came in, and asked the mechanic for a “Seven-hundred-ten”. Everyone in the store looked at each other, and another customer asked “What is a seven-hundred-ten?”. The blonde
then replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there.”

The mechanic gave the blonde a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle with ‘710’ in the center. He then took her outside, and over to a car with its hood up and asked, is there a seven-hundred-ten on this car? She
rolled her eyes and said “Of course!” and pointed to the OIL cap.

Sell some insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Now Captain Smith used to be an insurance salesman and although he knew that finding term life insurance is easier than you think, selling GI insurance was usually much harder.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones` sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.

Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

The Bachelor Diet

Monday:

Breakfast – Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth.

Lunch – Send your secretary out for six “gutbombers”, those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.

Afternoon Snack – Drink the Maalox and steal one of your secretary’s diet pills

Dinner – Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.
Tuesday:

Breakfast – Eat the coleslaw.

Lunch – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.

Dinner – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s.
Wednesday:

Breakfast – Jaws couldn’t eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho’s.

Lunch – Rolaids and a coke

Dinner – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.
Thursday:

Breakfast – Order out for pizza

Lunch – Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.

Dinner – Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
Friday:

Breakfast – Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it’s better for you.

Lunch – Skip Lunch… Fridays are murder

Dinner – Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don’t eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
Saturday:

Breakfast – Sleep through it.

Lunch – Ditto

Dinner – Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don’t eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
Sunday

Breakfast – Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.

Lunch – Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don’t eat Lunch.

Dinner – Chicken noodle soup – Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

Off to the doctor

A well-constructed miss went to the doctor complaining of vaginal dryness. She was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
“Doctor,” she replied shyly, “I just can’t undress in front of you.”

“All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you’re through.”

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: “Doctor, I’ve undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?”

“Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”