Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you’re not sure why …
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. “Is that so?” the first said. “Did he do a good job?”
“Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot with his Mizuno drivers,” he said. “The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That,” he added, “was the first time in two years my teeth didn’t hurt.”
ECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?
CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?
TECH: We’re an Internet service provider, ma’am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.
CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?
TECH: You need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank. They’ll send you a two-factor authentication thingy in the post and you’re set to go.
CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?
TECH: I’m not sure I understand?
CUSTOMER: You know…Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?
A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train that leaves
at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to
ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this
fabulous hi-tech watch; it might have even been a Patek Philippe, so he asks him for the time.
The guy replies “Sure, which country?”
The fella asks, “How many countries have you got?” to which the man replies, “All the countries in the world!”
“Wow! That’s a pretty cool watch you’ve got there.”
nothing,” the man says. “This watch also has a GPS facility, fax,
e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them
on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!”
“Boy, that’s incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn’t consider selling it by any chance?”
“Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it’s yours.”
The watchless traveler can hardly whip out his checkbook fast enough to hand over a check for $900.
seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. “Congratulations, here
is you new hi-tech watch.” Then, handing the two suitcases over as
well, he says, “And here are the batteries.”
February 1, 1993
Raleigh, N.C., police charged Vernon Edsel Brooks, 34, with robbing a Radio Shack in July, despite his foresight in disabling a video surveillance camera by taking the camera with him as he fled.
Now they weren’t using live video streaming services but he forgot to take the recorder to which the camera was connected, police found a tape containing a full facial shot of Brooks reaching for the camera.
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk – the ghost which `lived’ there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. It was a cold and dark night, lightning lit up the sky, so he dressed up warm in one of his thickest NCAA jerseys and a warm parka. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost “I mean no harm – I just want your photograph”. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines – he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So what’s the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
How do you stop your husband from reading your email? Rename your email folder to “Instruction Manuals”
Here are some computer acronyms you may not have come across before:
- PCMCIA People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN It Still Does Nothing
- APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
- SCSI System Can’t See It
- DOS Defective Operating System
- BASIC Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
- IBM I Blame Microsoft
- ISCSI Internet Satellite Can’t See It
- DEC Do Expect Cuts
- CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
- OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
- WWW World Wide Wait
- MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
- PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
- COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
- AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
- LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
- MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
- WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out
- MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software’s Only (for)Fools (&) Teenagers.
In order to continue getting-by in Canada (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term ‘TENJOOBERRYMUDS’.
With a little patience, you’ll be able to fit right in.
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and the room-service operator somewhere in Canada……
Room Service : ‘Morrin. Roon sirbees.’
Guest : ‘Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.’
Room Service: ‘ Rye . Roon sirbees…morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???’
Guest: ‘Uh….. Yes, I’d like to order bacon and eggs.’
Room Service: ‘Ow July den?’
Room Service: ‘Ow July den?!?.. Pryed, boyud, poochd?’
Guest: ‘Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.’
Room Service: ‘Ow July dee baykem? Crease?’
Guest: ‘Crisp will be fine.’
Room Service: ‘Hokay. An Sahn toes?’
Room Service: ‘An toes. July Sahn toes?’
Guest: ‘I… Don’t think so.’
RoomService: ‘No? Judo wan sahn toes???’
Guest: ‘I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan sahn toes’ means.’
RoomService: ‘Toes! Toes!…Why Joo don Ju an toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?’
Guest: ‘Oh, English muffin!!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘toast’… Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine.’
RoomService: ‘We bodder?’
Guest: ‘No, just put the bodder on the side.’
Guest: ‘I mean butter…. Just put the butter on the side.’
Guest: ‘Excuse me?’
Guest: ‘Yes. Coffee, please… And that’s everything.’
RoomService: ‘One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy … Rye ??’
Guest: ‘Whatever you say.’
Room Service: ‘Tenjooberrymuds.’
Guest: ‘You’re welcome’
Remember I said ‘By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ‘TENJOOBERRYMUDS’ ‘…..and you do, don’t you!
2 women at a funeral: “I blame myself for his death” says the wife. “Why” says the other. “Because I shot him” said the wife.