Duck in a hardware store

Hardware Store Ducks

A duck walks into a hardware store. He asks the manager, “Do you have any duck food?” The manager says, “No, we don’t have any duck food.”

The duck leaves, and comes back later. He asks the manager, “Do you have any duck food.” The manager is annoyed and says, “NO! We don’t have any duck food!”

The next day, here comes the duck again into the hardware store. He finds the manager and says, “Do you have any duck food?” The manager, exasperated, says, “No, we don’t have any duck food, and if you come in here and ask me that again, I’m going to chuck this grow light at you!” and stomps away.

The duck leaves and the next day, comes in again. He says to the manager, “Do you have any grow lights?” The manager screams, “NO, we don’t have any grow lights!” So the duck says, “Do you have any duck food?”

A blonde flying to Chicago

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.

Dumb BlondeThe blonde woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. It’s a 2 factor decision: I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

You know it’s time to turn your computer off and read a book when:

OK, some of these are a bit old, but applicable anyway …

  • A friend calls and says “How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!”
  • You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
  • You see something funny and scream, “LOL, LOL.”
  • You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said “You’ve Got Mail!”
  • You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
  • You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IM’s.
  • You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
  • Tech support calls YOU for help.
  • You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”
  • You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
  • You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
  • You say “he he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.
  • You say “Scroll Up” when someone asks what it was you said.
  • You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
  • You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
  • You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
  • You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online for awhile.
  • “Where did the time go??”
  • You sit on AOL for six hours for that certain special person to sign on.
  • You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
  • You have an SSL VPN Authentication token as your keyring.
  • …..You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….
  • You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}and **kisses**.
  • Being called a “newbie” is a major insult to you.
  • You’re on the phone and say “BRB.”
  • Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
  • Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this….”BRB. Leave your S/N and I’ll TTYL ASAP”.
  • You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-Life.

Definition of a teenager

Teenager (noun)

1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets. Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether. Very territorial.

Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility whilst worrying about their acne. The males of the species forage for food constantly and can consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous.

The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development. Males indicate their approval by staring at the display. The call of the female is complex and shrill: “Like, O m’Gosh! O m’ Gosh!” Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory “Yo. Yo. Yo. S’up? S’up? S’up?”

Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders, “I’m doing my HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK.” The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios. Male Teenagers concentrate on important information by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one or more than one Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice.

2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. (“She’s a Teenager.”)

3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. (“I have a Teenager at home.”) Often accompanied by sighs, head shaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.